roller coaster ride
by loudestdork
Summary: youko/sei
1. when love is not enough

Disclaimer: I don't own Marimite. If I own it.. hmmnn.. probability shows that I won't be here..

Comments and criticism are allowed.. ty.. please don't be harsh.. awkei? Pretty please..

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out of nowhere

(Sei)

"…I'm leaving," those were youko's last words and before I could do or say something the line was already cut.

Where is she going? Why is she leaving? Her voice seemed to be shaking.. ah.. Did something happen? But what could it be? Or... is it because of me? But... but what did I do? Ahh! My mind is starting to bleed again, why oh why? Again?! She did this to me a year ago, when she was off to college, that's her first reason when she said that she was leaving, but now? Where is the explanation when I need one! Darn it! But...... but why am I affected? Why am I affected that she's going to leave? She's just someone who wouldn't leave me alone, and I am the person whom she loves to meddle. She's my meddler, but... isn't it I should be glad that my only meddler is leaving?—No one would bother me; No one would block my way, but – ahh! I don't know. I really don't know what to do—

(Youko)

I cut the line, knowing that Sei will be asking my explanation.. I... I really can't explain it to her, I can't. The first time that I said to her that I'm leaving, was when i decided to study somewhere else, far from her, I just used a stupid reason—study!—for her not to think about anything else. I'm rude I know. I think about everything several times—gazillion times. I said it. Knowing her, hmmn, I know she won't run after me. Tomorrow is my flight, yes I'm leaving, off to Europe, not just to study but to leave her for good, I'm doing this for myself, and not for anything else. I know I'm being selfish, i'm unfair... but what is fair? If all your life you give it to someone yet that entire person is just merely wasting it. Too much drama... I want to end this now…

(Sei)

I think about so many things before i went to my car, I'll drive fast, as fast as i can, i need her explanation and I will do everything to get it. I deserve one. I know she's hiding something but what is it? And it is for me to know. How stupid, what is she thinking? I'm her friend... should I go to her or should i ask Eriko about it—she might know... but... what if she doesn't know anything? She's probably enjoying her romantic night with her husband—they got married a week ago.

My reverie was shut, when I bump into something. Aw! How my head hurts, i was thinking too much that I didn't notice the post in front of me. I rub my head with my hands. Still feeling the pain, I finally got into my yellow car. Then I start the engine, as the radiator kicks, I also stepped on the accelerator as hard as I can—yes! I'm a reckless driver, she always reminds me to slow down, to take everything as calm as possible, but now, i wouldn't do it, simply because of her. It's her fault... It's all her fault!

I gaze at my watch for a sec, it's past twelve, Christmas Eve had already passed, and memories start to flash on my mind. A stupid memory on that stupid train station, and that indeed made me cry, i regretted those parting memories with shiori and it sucks—but with her help, i manage to overcome everything, she's my armor, she was even my strength and now I don't want to have another parting memories... aw! But why is she leaving?

Oh, I can't... I really can't imagine myself away from her, but why? I'm asking myself insanely, what is this thing I'm feeling? I can't lose her not now. **I still need her**.

After some time, I stopped the car in front of her apartment. I ring the door for several times. And no one answered. Is she sleeping? I merely asked myself, but when i looked at her window, I saw the lights are still on, so I assumed that she's not yet in bed. So i pushed myself so hard, I ring the bell as many as I can. I really need her explanation.

(Youko)

My reverie was cut because of the non-stop ring on my doorbell. I was indeed annoyed by that person, who is now standing at the back of my door. I opened my door just to shock myself. She was staring at me. Her light grey eyes that already turned black are looking at me furiously.

"Hey! Hi," I said, trying to compose myself, trying to be calm.

(Sei)

She's so calm, what is she trying to prove now. So, instead of answering I roughly entered to her house, closed the door and push her hard to her wall with my hands on her shoulders. She was shocked; I saw it in her face before she starts looking into the ground...

"Tell me! What's with you?" I shouted, with her face still staring at the ground. She didn't answer; instead she raised her head and gave me that impassive stare. What! She even looked into my eyes as if whatever i do to her is nothing. I even drove this far just to talk to her. What is she up to? I'm so confuse, really.

She raises her hand, put it in my shoulder, she's trembling. Her hands are trembling. "calm down," at last she said a thing, but that' not what I want. I've tried to shrug her, but, those eyes of her. Those very calm eyes make my knee bones weakened. Ohhhhh… But wait! I shouldn't be like this... I need to know her explanation... just when I'm about to talk again, she gently put her finger on my lips. She signaled me to sit. And I sit sown to her couch. I hope, I prayed that she will be explaining to me everything. I need some answers to my questions.

"now tell me, what's with the 'you're leaving'?" I asked with a harsh tone. But instead of answering my question, she just turned her back.

"are you running away?" I sarcastically asked her. And it made her tilt her head.

"enough with your sarcasm... I will just get some tea in the kitchen, coz I think this would be a long night, or dawn I guess..." she said so calmly, and again she turned her back, she went straight to her kitchen.

I was left frozen, glaring at her back... is it just me? Or she has forgotten that today is even my birthday?

(Youko)

One way or another, I used the tea to escape from her. Though I wanted to greet her on her special day it's just that... I can't! I can't find the words to say. I will be leaving later. What will do? Oh dear! I was wrong when I thought she would never run after me. –I bet wrong impressions really do kill. Aw! Did she run after me? Or she's running after my explanation? I really don't know...

Dear! God knows how I love her, but she shouldn't know. Loving her is not enough reason for staying. **Love is not enough**.

I went out of the kitchen bringing the tea and some cookies. I walked straight to the living room; she's sitting still on my couch, glaring at me; watching my every move. I sit in front of the couch where she was sitting, and again deep silence ensued. No one even dared to talk. I do wanted to.. but i guess my words are stocked on my throats.

I heard her cleared her throat, and asked me the same question earlier. I didn't answer, honestly, i don't want to. God knows how I wanted this thing to end.

"hey! What's the matter? Why don't you answer my question? Are you hiding something?" she's starting to lose her patience.

"uh.." I started... I'm searching for words inside my head... I think it's much better if I will tell her that i'm going to Europe. Yeah, that's it.. "i will be leaving later... off to Europe" she was shocked.. i knew this would be her reaction.

"but.. but why? I mean, how long would you be in there?" she asked...

"I don't know, if I were to choose, i would stay there for.. hmmn.. forever." I bluntly said, and again astonishment is starting to show on her face.

Then, silence ensued once again, the only thing i could hear is my own breath.

(Sei)

Forever? What does she mean? I looked into her eyes, i'm searching for answers to my question and then she started to talk again, breaking the silence.

"You looked shocked, but why?" she paused and before I could retort... "oh, I get it, it didn't occurred to you that i will be leaving" i glared at her, how can she be so sure? Is she reading my mind again? Honestly, she's right, she is right that I'm shock, and she keeps on surprising me.

"Hey, you keep on staring me as if you will be eating me," she teased. How could she be so cruel, she's acting as if those words she's saying... ahhh! Damn it! Does she think I'm not affected? She's leaving... but... she can't! Coz **I need her**.

"Hey—" I didn't finish her statement instead, my lips met hers. i didn't get a response— I even try to deepen the kiss—and it made pull away from her. I just sit beside her as she gasps for air, and so do I. I met her dark eyes; she was staring at me, as if she was reading me.

...

...

...

The silence could deafen me…

"What is that kiss for?" she asked so calmly, so softly. Breaking the silence

I honestly do not know what to say… but, words suddenly spill on my lips, and it even made her look to me with her ever composed facade.

"I Love You,"

She smile, no, she smirk… but… but why? I look at her quizzically.

"You don't love me," after saying that, she looked away, away from my stare, away from my eyes. There is pain in her voice, I could sense it.

"But… but I love you… I… I need you," I lean and tried to kiss her again, but she pushed me away. She stared at the floor. I tried to reach out but…

"No! Please! You don't love me, you just need me." Her voice is shaking. What is this? She's crying? ahhh! She looked so fragile. I wanted to hug her. To reach her. But, I am afraid that, what if I held her in my hands, and eventually she drifts away. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose her. "you're afraid aren't you? You're afraid that I will vanish. That… I will be out of your life. But, tell me, did you really come here because of me? Or because you're longing for my explanation? And you are anxious that one day, when you wake up, there is no "me" in your life?" I'm a sore loser… I need her… but… why am I feeling like this? With our closeness, my heart is beating faster…

"but…" I tried to talk…

"No! you just came here, to know where am I going, and what will I do there. You need me, that's what you are telling me… but… did you ever care for the things that I did to you? Did you ever notice me? You know what, you're giving me all the reason to leave." And then, she burst into tears.

I tried to reach out and hug her. With this, renewed energy that I have, I know I could held her into my arms… but, when I'm about to do it, she shrug me off. Hurt!

"can you just please leave me alone? Leave!"

"but" with her situation, I couldn't just leave her…

"just leave, please… and goodbye" I have nothing to do, but just leave her alone. I wanted to caress her, but, she didn't let me.

I headed to the door; I gaze at her before leaving. She's still sobbing. Oh God! She's so fragile…

And that was the last time, I saw her.

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Note: not yet done.. I'll update this.. promise..


	2. the reason why

**yey!!! i finally upload this second chapter... whoo.. i just finished it yesterday... honestly i had a hard time finishing this chapter because of my busy schedule in our university (and it's killing me!!!).. :(**

**anywiez.. here is it.. hope you'll like it.. :)**

**please do read..  
**

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**(Sei)**

For how many years I've been doing this? Three years? Yeah, I guess it has been three years of going here and just staying near her apartment—after drinking in a bar—hoping to see her return. I've been like this after she had left—drinking with no ends, thinking that the pain would subside due to liquor's bitterness. But, somehow, it made me think, would she really stay there forever? What if… she'll do it? Oh, I can't imagine a life without her—it's been three years but still I can't live without a Mizuno Youko in my life.

It can't be! It will never happen. What is this? Am I becoming withdrawn again? When she left me without any explanation, I felt a familiar pain. But, this pain I'm experiencing is stronger, harder to bear than with the one in the past—and this pain made me stubborn, and not wanting to be with others. I became stuck-up in this world and it resulted in creating a new world—liquor world!

Months after she left, I can't help but miss her. I miss the very person who used to be with me, I miss my meddler, and above all I miss my friend. I tried to reach out for her; I even tried to talk to her little sister—Sachiko. I know she knows everything, so, I went to her place.

"_hey, do you know where is she?" my question is wrong, so I rephrase it before she could retort. "can I get her address there?"_

"_sorry but, I can't" she said softly_

"_but why?" I stared at her with puzzled eyes._

"_it is because…" she didn't continue, instead she glare at me as if saying it's all my fault._

_I let go a deep sigh before asking her another question. "well, if you cannot say it to me. Please tell me, how is she there?"_

"_well, she's doing fine. She said that she is really happy when she last called me." She said_

"_is that all?"_

"_oh, and I think, there is someone making her happy, ahh, she keeps on telling me about a certain person over the phone. So, I guess that's reason." She explains_

"_oh, well" this is not good my voice is trembling. "I'll see you then, some time. I have to go now."_

"_oh by the way, later this year there would be a party here and hopefully you could come" she said, I just nodded. _That's the least thing I could do, her words doesn't sink in on my mind. All I could think of is that when would I see Youko again.

_She even tried to ask me if I could stay there for a while, but I refused. What is this, I'm really missing her…_

I even tried to go to Europe, to find her; this is all out of depression. I'm really missing her. But I asked myself… what if I found her? What if eventually I see her with the person Sachiko's telling me? What will I do? But then, the very question is… does she want to see me? Oh my… this thing is killing me. I want to see her.

When she left, there are so many things that made me realize that, that all this time, she is in my heart. I'm so dense, too thick to admit to myself that **I Love Her. **I've wasted so many things, the time, the effort. I know she loved me, but I'm so stupid to ignore it. Damn! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I let her go. I didn't even try to explain to her. And I'm so damn stupid for telling her that I need her… I shouldn't say that! Oh dear! Everything sucks! And it's all my fault. I'm the one to be blame here. No one else, just me!

Just when I'm about to leave, a car stopped in front of her apartment—it looks like Sachiko's car—and I saw a familiar short raven-haired woman being escorted by a guy. That fellow even put his arms around her waist—how dare him?—and Youko even allowed him to do so. Is this the person sachiko's been telling me? I feel pain lingers in my chest, it feels like someone pulled the trigger and it hits directly on my chest. It really hurts.

They went inside the house. And I? I already decide that I will leave. It's just that my feet doesn't want to cooperate,—as if they have their own minds—it doesn't want to step on my accelerator, instead, it lead me out of the car and walk towards her apartment.

While getting nearer, I could feel that my heart is beating so hard, as if, it wants to jump its way out.

"how dare you!" I heard Youko's voice. Did something happen to her? –now it's time for me to worry—it's not her type to just yell like that. i knocked at the door. No one answered. Honestly, I want to back out and just leave, but, my hand again knocked on the door as if it has its own mind.

"matte" she said… I know I didn't drink a lot of liquor and I'm sober, but the hearing her voice and having the thought of seeing her again makes me intoxicated—by alcohol? Or by her? I wonder.

**(Youko)**

While on the car, I already noticed a certain yellow beetle near my apartment. And upon entering my place, I told Jin about it. That I remember someone who owned a car just like that, then, he starts to nag me, asking me a stupid question.

"what if, well, just what if, 'your Sei' enters in your door? What would you tell her? Would you tell her that she's the reason—"

"NO! I will not say anything! Get it? Besides, I know she will not go here." I said vehemently. Well, I too want to believe in my own words, but remembering the things that had happen 3 years ago… it makes me want to have my fingers crossed. I'm even wondering if I am ready to see her. I know I still have my wall; I already perfected it, this thick, perfect wall. No one could ever destroy this, but… is it really perfectly built?

"YOUKO!"

My reverie was then cut. "what?!" I said, glaring at him.

"I've been calling you for 3 times already, and here you are asking me 'WHAT'?!" he said whilst rolling his eyes. "oh, dear, you're on deep thoughts again Youko!" he added

"I'm sorry! Ok?! Anyways, what were you saying?"

"I was just saying that, if you don't say something, if ever the thing I'm referring to would happen, I will be so glad to tell her that she's the reason, whoa.. how invigorating… that would be so much fun," I glared him, "well, in my part I guess,"

"HOW DARE YOU?!" I said at the same time eyeing him furiously.

I was about to add something, when I heard soft knocks on my door. And silence ensued; I just stared at the door with wondering eyes, and stared back at Jin's.

Jin manage to gave me a smirk before he talk, "well, well, well, I think I should get it… it might be Sei," he teases while making his way to the door.

I manage to stop him in the aisle, just in time before he gets a chance to get near the door. Well, I just did it because, maybe because the person at the back of my door is making this heart of mine—this stone heart of mine—to break. I eyed him fiercely, and then he raised his two hands as a sign of defeat.

"Alright, alright… you win, I'll just go to the shower,' and he lead himself to the bathroom.

And again, I heard a soft knock, on my door. "Matte!"

While, getting nearer on my door, I'm hoping that it won't be someone I used to know, that someone who would make my heart breaks for the nth time. But, a thought also enter in my mind, what if, there's no Sei outside and it would just be Sachiko or Eriko? I guess if I were to choose, I'll go for the latter one.

I open the door, just to be mesmerized by the figure standing in front of me. A blonde standing still but her eyes were locked on the floor—is there something interesting there? I do not know. It feels like déjà vu—I feel as if time turned back and led me into a situation 3years ago.

"hi" I said in the calmness voice I could find, but I guess I didn't succeed.

"Why didn't you inform me that you've already return?" she asks coldly. I didn't answer; I really do not know what to tell her. She's angry I know. I deserve her rage for leaving her, for not saying the reason why. I now wondering, what would happen if I told her that she's the reason, would something or anything change? Maybe yes, but whatever that change may be I'll never know. I cannot turn back the time, so whatever it maybe, I'll leave it there.

"why?!" this time she asked again, shouting, whilst my reverie was cut. She entered on my apartment, "why Youko? Why?" I could feel in her voice that she's in pained, but why?! I'm confused. Still in shock, I didn't manage to retort, I couldn't say anything; I just put my calm face again and start to put up this wall of mine again, this stupid wall that is starting to break.

I didn't answer and it made her slam the door and pinned me in there. I who's always been cautious in everything, didn't know how it happened, it's just that all of a sudden we switched place, I already leaning on the door, while she, standing in front of me, hands on my shoulders and I could smell that she reeks of alcohol. She leaned to me, making her face an inch away from my face. I think… err I know she was about to kiss me,—is this an effect of alcohol to her?—but, afraid that I might give in to that kiss and lost all the sober part of me; anxious that the wall I perfectly built might break, I gather all my remaining energy to stop her. I pushed her away from me but not too much, so I grab her hand and lead her to my living room, I told her to sit and I was glad that she did.

**(Sei)**

I'm sober, I'm sober, I'm sober—those were the words that keep on running on my mind all throughout. As I remember, I only took few shots of vodka and two bottle of beer—that's less than what I always drink.

Then, she opened the door, she was shock, but still she tried to hide it. She's still the same, putting up her wall as always. I asked her a question which she didn't answer, I even asked her twice, but I guess she still doesn't want to talk.

I bet this situation had occurred three years ago—though I'm more sober that time than this one. I manage to get inside the house and eventually, switch our place. I'm now in front of her. Seeing her as close as this one, holding her like this, it feels like all my dreams became a reality. When she left, I really do not know what to do, but now, holding this beautiful façade all I want to do is just to hold it and never let it go. I could feel that my heart beats faster and faster with this closeness that we have—if earlier just hearing her voice makes me intoxicated, then what is happening to me right now? I wonder.

Again, my body moves on its own. My arms pull her towards me, and now we are an inch closer, but I guess, _they're _not contented, my head starts to draw near to her. I knew I was about to kiss her, but before I did, her hands lift and put it in my chest and gradually pushed me, away from her. I was shocked and sorely disappointed. She grabbed my hand and led me to her living room.

"Sei, please sit down" I did what she said, "and Sei, why are you drinking"

I didn't answer. Not that I do not know what to say, but I just don't want to say anything.

"Sei…" she said warmly as looked at me with those worried eyes. I just stare at her. She was about to say something but she was cut off by a certain guy, and honestly it startled me.

"Youko dear! Is it Sei there?" he asked—how the hell he knew my name?

"shut up! No one's here!" Youko said. Wow, that's just so blunt. Is this studying to other country do to a person? I mean, she's not blunt—err she's somehow blunt, but not like this—plus she don't usually yell at people, but look at her now, she's totally different—the way she act, the way she stand, and the way she used her words. It is somehow different from the way she used to be. But when I looked in her eyes, there is something I couldn't just explain. Her green orbs somehow says that she's upset, and struggling—but why?—And when she looked at me, it seems like she's worried about something.

When she left, I thought she doesn't care anymore, but now, what is this? She let me in, she talk to me calmly as before but then, the way she talk, the way she act it is somehow different. Am I sitting in front of a changed woman? Or she's still the same friend who used to sit with me in the windowsill of Lillian? I wonder…

Silence ensued. But it was immediately broke by laughter, neither from me nor from her.

"Oh Youko! You're such a liar, you know that?" he said between laughs. I could see Youko just glaring at him—as if giving him a warning about something.

"Stop glaring at me! Will you?" he said with such a teasing voice. I cannot say what he's doing, because one, he is in my back and two, I'm currently staring at Youko,—_my Youko_—but I could perfectly guess that his smile is reaching from ear to ear, as it says that 'I got you there Youko, I perfectly got you.' But Youko just rolled her eyes.

"hey, so you haven't told her didn't you?" he added

"I don't know what you're talking about!" she retort in a form of a yell—yes, she yelled!

It's really weird to hear her yelled—wait! Did I just hear he said 'her?' who's her? I stared at Youko; her eyes are in its worrying stage again.

"oh, wait! Ms. Mizuno, you perfectly know what I'm talking about, and hey, you know what, you're being unfair to her—to Sei" his friend said whilst my reverie was cut. Wait? Did I just hear my name? wait what's going on here?

"I OBJECT! I'm not being unfair!" Youko said furiously—defensively if I may say, because she honestly looked so defensive.

"Overruled!"

"darn it! What made you think that I'm being unfair?"

"because… you don't want to say to Sei that she is the reason why you left!"

Youko stopped talking, I could see her mouth opened up but closed it again—what? What did he say? I'm the reason why she left? What? My mind could not contain the revelation. My mouth was hanging up open with this news; I do not know what to say. How did I found my voice, I really don't know either, but I was able to say a word…

"WHAT?!" I shout from the top of my lungs at the same time standing up

"s..Sei" Youko said trembling, I looked at her—no I stare at her eyes but she's avoiding it, instead, she just look around but hardly look into my eyes. What is this? She looks like a cornered animal, and I don't like seeing her like this, she's not even calming herself like before,

"Youko…" I walk towards her and gently settle my hands in her shoulder. "Youko, I want to know, am I really the reason why you left?" I asked her gently. She didn't answer, seeing her so weak right now, looks so absurd, I must've enjoyed this—but hell no! I can't see her like this; it feels like someone's ripping my heart.

"Sei" she said, so weakly, her still not in mine. Then she removed my hands on her shoulder—_hurt _.

"why don't you tell her now Youko?" her friend said calmly.

She eyed her friend sternly, and then she speaks, "why are you doing this? Why you dumb-ass gay?! Why Jin? Why? I thought you are my friend,"

"but I am your friend" he walk towards Youko and held her hand, but she just shrug it away. I just kept quiet, looking at her in pained.

"if you really are? Then why are you doing this?" she said with her voice wavering.

"it's because, I don't wanna see you hurt."

"h..hurt?" it's time for me to ask. "w..why?!" I added now staring at Jin. He was about to say something, but Youko cut her off.

"please Jin…" she said, but Jin, just shook his head.

"Youko, I'm sorry but I have to do this, I don't wanna see you cry again, like before. I wanna see a genuine smile from my friend. Youko, when you first told me about it, I felt the pain in your heart. That's the first time I saw you cry." He said, then Youko stared at her hands resting on her lap, until tear drops started to soak her hands. I wanted to caress her but I can't move. Then all of a sudden, Jin stares at me.

"I first met her months after she entered in the university I'm attending, and immediately, we became good friends. I thought of her being a calm, collected and somehow a very stubborn person; she has a lot of confidence in her. But every time I look into her eyes I only see her brokenness. She is good in dealing with people, and no one usually notice her eyes. She only opened up to me when I got into trouble. She told me that I'm like her friend,—which is you— playful and always goes into trouble. She told me that she really loves you. And that's when I asked her why? Why is it she left you even though she loves you? That is when she started crying. She told me that 'I love her more than anything else, but I guess I've done everything and I bet that all of it is enough. She doesn't need me anymore; she can live her life without me. And I can't stand seeing her, because every time I see her eyes, every time I'm with her I can't help but falling deeper and deeper.' And she also said that she can't stand the pain anymore…" He said, Youko remained silent and I am dumbfounded.

"I asked her, if why didn't she tell you…" he paused, I waited… afterwards he continued. "she smiled and said to me, 'I can't do it'. I asked her why and she said, 'simply because, I don't want to scare her, and even if I tell it to her nothing will happen. I asked her if how can she be so sure… that's when she looked into my eyes and said, 'I just know…'" he paused a little. "and that is why she runaway."

I can't say anything, I'm so dumbfounded by the things that I've heard—_I caused a lot of pain in her… I'm such a stupid wretch._ Youko, why are you like that? why are always considering me? Why don't you think for yourself for once?—I want to burst it all out, but I can't find my voice.

"Youko, I'm sorry, but this is the least thing I could do… I want you to be happy, please free yourself from your agony." Jin said, "Sei, I know you knew by now, that I'm a gay… that is why I understand her. And I'm sorry that I've surprised you, but, I just did what I think is best." I just nodded.

I held Youko in my arms, before saying, "I have to go, I'm sorry…" and then I let her go, I wanted to just runaway or just kill myself. I let go of her and walk towards her door. I feel dizzy and I could see that my surroundings is getting blurry—I'm crying. The liquor in my body hasn't fully subsided plus the event happen earlier made me weak.

"S…Sei" Youko called me, but I didn't know why I didn't turn back. I'm walking as if my head is not with me, then I finally reached the door. But before I could open it someone held my hand…and everything went black…


	3. too late?

oh well, another chapter here.. well, merry xmas everyone.. though it's kinda late.. and advance happy new year!!!

well.. R&R as oweiz.. thanks... XD

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**(Sei)**

I woke up, and realized that I'm stuck here in a bed—but not my bed, and I'm not in my house either—I'm trying to remember had happen yesterday. As far as I could remember I went to Youko's house, had a confrontation and it ended up, I being the reason why she had left. I study the surrounding, and my gaze fell in the most beautiful thing in the room—Youko. I just studied her for a while, she is in deep slumber, and how beautiful she is while sleeping, she even hardly moves. Then, I decided that I let her sleep for a while.

The scenes from last night's event flashed on my mind, her brokenness, her tears and her pain. I was the one who caused that pain in her, and i don't know how I could ease that pain—my reverie was cut by a knock on her door, and it revealed her friend Jin. I put my finger on my lips and gaze at the sleeping Youko. He smiled at me understanding what I've signalled.

"can I talk to you?" he said

"sure.. but let's go out in here. She needs rest." I said. He nod and leave the room. Before I followed him, I gently caress Youko's face.

I found Jin on the kitchen, preparing for the breakfast.

"Hey! Good morning!" I said

"Good morning..."

"What is it that you want to talk about?"

"Oh, that! I just want to ask you if you could remember anything from last night's event." I nod. "Can you do me a favour? Can you please act as if nothing happen?"

"Why?"

"Because... Youko... she's afraid that you might treat her different, you know she has her reasons..."

"I see, okay." Then, I walked out of the kitchen.

I understand what he is trying to say—I perfectly understand. And i don't want to change anything either. I don't want to see her cry again. I love her, that's why. And if it ever that thing happen again—and if it's because of me, I would definitely kill myself.

"good morning!" a calm voice greeted and it made me snapped out of my reverie.

"good morning! How are you? Did you sleep well?"

"yes... ah.." it looks like she was lost of words. She was surprise to see me here at the same time anxious. "uhmmn... how 'bout you?" she asked

"uhmm... yeah! By the way , thank you for letting me use your bed..." she just nod. "i also want to asked, uhm.. what is your answer to my question, if why didn't you tell me that you're here already." I asked, but she didn't answer.

"breakfast is ready" Jin said, cutting our conversation.

We ate our breakfast silently, avoiding each other's eyes. I don't know what to do, it's all my fault, see her in despair, see her broken pieces. She is in torment, and I am in turmoil, wow. What will I do?

After eating, I've decided to act normal, as if nothing had happen. well, if only I could turn back the time... if only I realize everything beforehand that I love her—not because I NEED HER or anything, that I love her because she's my everything. But looking at her now... she is still a precious gem as she is only the problem is that she's broken in to pieces. I looked for her, wanting to talk to her. I want to say that she is my life now, and I almost died when she left... but too bad, I only realized that when she's gone. is she really gone? am I really too late? I hope I'm not.

I search for her in every part of her apartment but I couldn't find her. I went outside—at the apartment's backyard—just to find her sitting, staring blankly on the horizon, sighing almost every minute. She's in deep thoughts. It looks like she's somewhere in her wonderland—oblivious in what's happening outside.

"hey!"

"h...hey.." she seemed startled.

"sorry, to disturb you"

"it's okay"

Silence

Will I say it or not? I don't know... but I'm afraid that she might turn her back again. I don't want to take the risk... I'm afraid. I'm not used in this kind of awkwardness between us. I miss the old days. So I sit with her now, but something is missing—the closeness we have.

"ahh... Sei?" she said breaking our silence.

"yes?"

"why is it you're drunk last night?"

"meddling again?" I quip while grinning like an idiot in front of her... And she smile.

"maybe.."

"what if I told you that you're the reason?"

"are you kidding me?" she said with wide eyes.

"yeah..."

She gives me her bashful grin, while shaking her head. She then closed her eyes and tilts her head upwards.

"uhmm.. Youko?"

"hmmnn?"

"why didn't you tell me that you're here?" I asked.

Again she smiled, before she answered.

"that is supposed to be a surprise."

"what surprise?" i asked her curiously. And she opened her eyes, she look at me. I saw the depth of her eyes. It's implying something yet she's so calm as if time turns its back, that I even see myself with her sitting on the windowsill of Lillian with her beside me. How I love to feel this comfort, with no awkwardness, with no hesitations. Then, she smiled at me, with her genuine smile.

"uhmm... your coming to Sachiko's party aren't you?" I nod. "there! I want to surprise you, you know... I know you would be there."

"but..." I thought of asking her if why she would do that. I mean, she left because of me... so why surprised me... but I hesitate, I don't want to make it hard for her.

"what is it sei?" then, I shook my head. "no! You're about to say something, right?"

"that's nothing." I said whilst grinning at her. "uhmm.. I think I should go now..."

She just nods. And just I'm about to go, she held my hand. I have to look back.

"you will come aren't you?" She said in a soft voice.

"yah"

"see you then." She smiled.

"ja!"

"ja!"

And then, she let go of my hand. And i went straight back home—i guess, drinking doesn't suit for this day.

** (Youko)**

I stayed in my place after Sei had left. I smiled—not because she leave, but because if feels like a thorn had been remove in my core.

"hey! Hey! Hey! Is that a smile I see on Mizuno's face?"

"maybe..." I answered Jin in a flat tone.

"hey, don't tell me you're still mad at me? I didn't do anything..."

"yes.. you didn't do anything, you just sit there last night and didn't do a dramatic stunt on sei and I." I said sarcastically

"hey, hey, hey.. Miss Mizuno.. who was the one who told me that I'm a dumb-ass gay?" he retorts. "well? What's up?"

"what what's up?" I asked curiously.

"you know, what will you do next? She already knows that she's the reason and everything..."

"uhmm.." I think for a while before I answered "well, nothing..."

"why nothing?" he asked sarcastically.

"you know, I still have some sort of unfinished business. And after all, Sei and I already have separate lives. So, there's really nothing to do."

"is that what your heart says? I mean, you still love her, do you?"

I was awestruck by his words, I mean, for some reasons my mind was so dumbfounded. Do i still love her? Hmmn.. I don't know. And then I let go a sigh. This is what I'm afraid of—doing back here, seeing her again. I'm afraid that, what if my heart is still residing in here? That, I left my heart here... I wonder... but...

"Youko!"

"NO!" I shouted, "I mean, I do not know! You perfectly know that even if, uhmmn... 'if ever' that I'm still in love with her, I still can't continue it, I can't pursue it—merely because, because of my unfinished business in Europe."

"I know, but then again, the question is, 'is it what your heart desires?' ... think of it Youko, don't make the same mistake again. Letting her pass through you, letting her go, don't you think it's quite stupid to just let your happiness go and you're there left alone, suffering."

I let a deep sigh again, I don't know what to say, and even I do not know what my heart really desires. And Sei as my happiness? I do not know. I remember the aphorism 'your happiness is where your heart is.' But... where is my heart? Is it with Sei? Or is it with my _'unfinished businesses?_

Then, a knock on the door cut my reverie. Jin was about to go but I immediately stopped him. I was thinking that it might be Eriko, that she already knew what happened last night and decided to go here and talk to me. Or it can be Sachiko, she called me last night—confirming my attendance to her party—and I told her the details of the happenings last night. And she said that she would try to drop by and converse with me.

While walking towards the door, I saw a familiar mobile phone on my coffee table. Obviously it's not mine, and not Jin's as well, and I came to the conclusion that it's Sei's. _Sei_, I thought. And it lead me to the conclusion that the person behind my door is Sei, that maybe she remembers that she forgot her phone and decided to fetch it now. Uhmm.. just thinking about the fact, my heart suddenly beats fast, so fast that it might even runaway from where it is placed.

And then I opened the door, it revealed a lady—more of a girl—grinning at me. Not to mention, she has white teeth.

"s...su?"

"of course, my love! Who else would be? Aren't you glad that I'm here?" _I just thought you're Sei..._ what am I thinking?

"uhmm.... o... of course" I nervously said.

"but, it seems that you're not!" and then she pout, she's so cute when she pouts, she looks like as if she a brat who didn't get what she want.

"hey, don't be mad... of course I'm happy! It's just that I didn't think it was you. You surprised me," i told her... whilst taking her hand.

"good! Because this is really a surprise! I missed you so much!" she exclaimed. And her action caught me off guard, when she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulls me for a passionate kiss. And suddenly, I found myself returning that kiss, same intensity as she has. After few seconds, we then break the kiss.

"i love you..."

"i.. love you too..." then i smiled.

She was about to lean and kiss me again, only that a voice from my back interrupt it.

"go and get a room!" jin said in a low tone.

"you ruined our moment! You gay!" Su said irritated. And i sigh. They've never change, still getting on each other's nerve. _I need to do something_.

"o'cmon you two.. Let's go inside, I bet Su is tired and she needs to rest." I said, grabbing su's hand. Jin's was also nice to let us in.

"Tired? Or so you could continue what you've started?" he asked, and then laugh evilly. _So green..._ i thought. Then all of a sudden, he paused, i wonder why, but instead of paying him attention, i just sit on the couch with Su. I have to focus on her. Only on her.

"Sei!" he exclaimed, i was surprised, but again, i have to maintain my calmness, simply because Su might see my reaction. What is she doing here? More importantly, how long she had been standing there? Did she saw what happened earlier? But if she did... why do I care?

Then, she entered the house, and it makes me look at her.

"i... I forgot my cellphone, that's why i had to go back" she said in a flat tone. She seems upset. She stares at me, afterwards at Su—who is now leaning in my shoulder—then, she smiled—not her usual flirting smile, but somehow different, and i don't understand, why can't I decipher.

"uhhh.. it's here!" then i give it to her. "uhmm.. sei?" i called before she turn her back.

"why?"

"this is Su... my—"

"her girlfriend" su answered, cutting me whilst offering her hand

"Sei" she answered, and then accepts Su's hands and shake. "ah, Youko, before i forget, Eriko was inviting us for dinner later." She adds.

"ok, i.. I'll go"

"you can bring them if you want, i'll just call you, if where and what time it will be." She grins—what's with this sudden change of aura? Does this Cheshire cat of mine has done its disappearing act again?–_mine? What am i thinking?_—and then, she walked away.

**(JIN)** [hohoho... it's not a mistake.. he do have a point of view..]

A tension filled courtroom, that's what i felt when the three of them got together.

I could see Youko's nervousness through her eyes. She's too good in hiding such emotions but... it flickers on her eyes the moment Sei and Su shake their hands. This is a thing that she doesn't want to happen. she can't even stare at the eyes of the two when they look at her. It looks like she's trap on her own illusion and do not know whom to run for dispel.

I also felt the tension between the two—Su and Sei. They're both staring at each other as if they are fighting for something—or someone perhaps.

When I saw Sei outside, I saw her pained look—referring to what I saw, maybe she saw the kiss Youko and Su had shared earlier. And looking at her that very moment, I could see that she really love Youko. And the way she smiled when she eyed the couple, she looks like as if she was defeated in a battle—a battle for love. I could feel that she's trying to fight the urge of breaking down. Like what Youko had said to me, this person is a real Cheshire cat. She could easily divert her emotions from one to another. I wonder if Youko had noticed it—maybe she did, she's an observant and she her favorite subject to observe...well, she said, it's Sei and then Su... but now... I do not know. It's all in her hands.

Then, I divert my attention to Su, I wonder if she noticed the anxious eyes of Youko. And I wonder if she also noticed that Youko wasn't calling her 'my love'—as what they used to call each other back in Europe. Seeing Su before the incident, I could feel that this girl really missed _her_ Youko. And I could also see that she really love Youko, but I wonder if Youko still feel the same... and if she do love her, is it same intensity as what Su have for her?

Poor Youko, she's in a deep abyss right now. I wonder if she has any idea in Sei's feelings for her. I wonder why she knows Sei but seem so oblivious about Sei's feelings for her. She keeps on blocking her feelings and not keeping her guards down when it comes to Sei—for Sei not to run away from her. And that's why; she seems so dense about it.

Last night, when Sei slept in her room, I saw how Sei held Youko's arm tightly while sleeping. Youko seems so unaware that Sei had become so attach to her, so dependent to her. That night—while sleeping—Sei never lets go of Youko's arms. And that alone made it more difficult for Youko to move on, because she herself can't let go of Sei.

I know, her feelings for Sei is still there, but she's trying to ignore it due to the fact that she has 'unfinished business', and she do not know if she will be able to finish it. Poor Youko, still trapped in the past, but at the same time, trapped here in the present.

At this moment, everything became odd. The silence is deafening. Sei was out, Youko fell silent, Su, kinda dumbfounded. And I, well, obviously observing them.

It is only morning, yet so many things already had happened. And I bet, this is a long day for all of us.

**(Sei)**

I went outside from their house. I do not know what kind of stupidity fell on me for just walking out, not saying anything.

It feels like a trigger was pulled, and arrows were already been released and it all set off on one direction—my heart. It hurts so bad that my tears began to trail off on my cheeks.

I drive, not knowing where to go. It's up to this car, if where it would lead me. Then I stopped. I asked myself, if why of all places… I landed here? _Yamanobe Residence._ I knocked on the door, and it opened immediately. Good thing it's Eriko who opened it.

"Sei?" she asks, whilst letting me in. "hey, suit yourself." She said leading me to their guess room.

"what is it Sei?" she asks worriedly. Instead of answering, I just sat on her floor, staring at my hands.

"Sei, wait for a minute, I'll just get some tea, and we'll talk about it…"

I nod, I knew that's the least thing I could do.

After a moment, Eriko returned holding tray with tea and some cookies.

"Sei…" she said breaking the silence. "what is it?"

"am…am I too late?" I said, I could feel that my voice is trembling… then she looked at me questioningly.

"what do you mean Sei?" she asks, it's not that I do not want to tell her, it's just that I'm not too comfortable with her—remembering the fact that we could easily get on each other's nerve way back at Lillian. But now, if I will not say anything I might explode and it will be more difficult for me to handle—and one thing, she's not Youko.

"ah…" how can I say it to her? That I saw Youko kissing someone, just like that? Then she would be asking me, why the hell I'm acting stupid? I just so her, and so what? But hell, it matters to me.

"Sei, why the hell are you crying?!" she asks—I didn't notice that I am crying, maybe I become so numb with the pain, that I didn't feel the tears rolling from my eyes—whilst Eriko wipes my tears away before I could do so. "Sei, this is the first time that I've seen you cry, after Youko had left, and somehow, this is weird, because you're not the kind of person who would go here if you have a problem." She's right, I'm not the kind who would show pain to anyone—only to onee-sama and to Youko—but, I really can't stand the pain I'm feeling right now. It feels like someone is ripping my heart and it really hurts so bad.

When Shiori left me, my heart shattered into pieces, but Youko pick those pieces and patiently putting it together. But now, this heart that she put together is slowly shattering, and it really hurts, because, the person who mends it, is the very reason why this heart is shattering. I could feel I'm bleeding inside, and it slowly killing me.

"Sei.."

"eriko.. I.. I saw her… kissing somebody passionately, and it hurts… here" I said pointing my heart. "it stabbing me like hell…"

"is it Youko?" I nod, "so, what will you do now? Do you want me to postpone the dinner?" she asks.

"no…" I said "but, I want to drink, and maybe, this would be the last time that I'll drink because of her." I added. It's not that I'm mad at her or anything. But, I have nothing to do now. I've said that this day is not worth for drinking, but I guess I was wrong.

I have cried and drink at lot of times because of her—out of Eriko's sight of course—and I guess… it's time for me to stop. Well, if I'm going to admit to Youko my feelings for her… well, I do not know or maybe I won't. I don't want to bother her. She love someone already, and I've let my chance passed, and I'm just stupid enough to just let it pass and not stopping it. Well now… I guess I have to face whatever consequence it gi—

My reverie was cut when I felt arms enclosing me for an embrace, and I let myself sink on Eriko's embrace. This is the most comfortable thing I felt—since three years—and I know that I badly need this.

Eriko didn't say anything. She just comforts me with her embrace, and I'm glad that I have her as my friend.

And I fell asleep with this comfort.

**(Youko)**

I was busy doing something in the living room when all of a sudden, the telephone rings—Su cannot pick it up because she's on my room while Jin is in a nearby café—I immediately pick it up, without even bothering to look at the caller I.D.

"Hello?"

"Youko! This is Eriko."

"oh, Eriko! How are you? What makes you call?" I asked, "uh, about the thing this evening…"

"oh yeah! Sei said, if by any chance, would you like to drink? I mean, she said she wants to drink, but again, it's up to you. Ahm… don't get me wrong, we'll drink after the dinner, that's how the plan goes." She said "well, again, if it's ok with you,"

"well, it's ok, so…where's our first stop?" I ask

"at the resto near at Lillian, you know that, right? Do you want us to pick you up? I mean, I am going with Sei, you know, my husband is not around—he had a trip that will last for a week—and I don't know how to drive, so, Sei would just fetch me here."

I think for a moment before answering, well, as much as possible I want to talk to Sei, about the things going on with us, why this friendship is slowly fading. I want to rebuild everything; it's just that I do not know how…

"Youko, hey!"

And my reverie was cut.

"ah… yes! I mean, don't trouble yourselves, I know where that place is, I'll just take a cab"

"ok… uh… you could bring Jin, and Su." _How the hell she knew about Su being in her? … Sei…_

"I would ask them." I said.

"ok, bye, see yah later."

"see yah"

Then, I placed the phone on where it should be. Instead of going back to the living room, I found myself walking towards the backyard. I sit on one of the bench and all of a sudden memories flashed on my mind—it is like watching a photo slide show of the three of us. The friendship we had and the memories we've shared—both in Lillian and in this apartment. It was overwhelming, but…as the litany of memories flow, my nightmare begins, I saw a picture of Sei—fading—and as if time turns its back to the moment happened three years ago, wherein I tried to put a period on our friendship, and it's all because of my selfishness that, I left her because of my own welfare. I left because I want her to realize what she have to lose and so that I could free myself from being entangled, but it seems like I haven't remove myself from being entwined to her. I don't blame her if she hated me for what I did. I—

Then, I felt a hand on my shoulders, whilst cut my reverie. Then I look up. I saw Jin standing in front of me with a wry smile.

"why are you crying?"

"I'm not!" I say, at the same time, averting my eyes into his gaze.

"silly, you're crying… you should look on the mirror so that you could see your swollen eyes. And here…" he gave me a handkerchief. I looked at him questioningly.

"for you to wipe your tears" he said. –am I that numb? I didn't even feel that my tears are rolling down into my cheeks and it need to cut my reverie just to figure that out.

"Youko?"

"why?"

"why are you crying?" I was thinking not to tell him but, he's like Eriko—once fixated on something he will never let it go. So, I eventually tell him why.

"do you regret?" he asked

"I don't know, but I am thinking, what if I didn't made that stupid decision, would I be like this?" I said "I mean I step out my box, as a collected and firm woman—as they put. Though, I could speak my own in the past, still, this decision alone made me free from my cage."

"but you left something in your cage, right? That no matter how hard you try to step out of that cage, you just can't. You fully spread that wings of yours in your cage, that's why when you're about to leave, it's just so hard for you. Am I right?"

I nod. "and it keeps me from going back" I say.

"one of them is Sei? You're afraid to let go of her, because you know, at the end of the day, you would still worry for her."

I nod, and I just gave him a smile—a wry smile. _Am I that transparent?_


	4. last song syndrome

**(Sei)**

I woke up and for the second time this day, not on my room. _Developing a habit, neh?_ I thought. I went out of the room, and headed straight to the living area. I found Eriko sitting on the couch, holding the phone.

"hey, don't you want to put that over there?" pointing the table where the receiver is located.

"funny Sei."

"did Yamanobe called?" I ask.

"nope, I called Youko." _Oh..._

"I see." I don't want to say anything, if the things I would say are just about her. Coz really, I just want to keep it in me. "I'd better go; I'll pick you up around 7? What yah think?"

"sure. And Youko said we don't have to fetch her, she knows where the resto is."

"ok" just as I expected.

I went out and go directly to my car. While driving, I'm wondering, why it is this day feels so long. I've seen Youko, I slept beside her last night—just slept—then I woke up, the nightmare begins. I saw her kissing somebody and it feels that my heart was ripped and the worst Youko was the one doing it, it really hurts. I wonder what will happen if I see her later—hopefully she's not with that girl.

I wonder what she did to make her get Youko's heart. Honestly, I want _that_ heart to be mine. I want to be the one she loves. I want her to come back to me. But, what if she already falls so deeply to her? What will I do? Oh well, it's all or nothing...

**(Youko)**

I was having a hard time looking for a dress to wear. The usual or the things I wear in Europe. It's like choosing between the present and the past. Then, Jin entered the room.

"hey! Having a trouble on picking your clothes?" I nod. "I think you should wear the clothes you're comfortable with missy."

_Comfortable?_ Then I realized, they're my friends after all, so why hesitate wearing the clothes I used to wear. I don't have to impress anyone, so why bother picking the most comfortable thing. So I choose the usual ones. _Does it mean, I'm choosing the past over the present? But... who made me choose?_

**(Sei)**

I arrived at the house of Eriko, emotionally dumb. I'm there, but my mind is somewhere I can't explain. I'm bleeding inside; this tumult inside of me is going to explode anytime now. I feel ragged, exasperated and tired. _Tired.. of what? I wonder. Could it be tired of waiting for her? Or loving her... I examined and asked myself if I could ever be tired of waiting for the one I truly love... honestly, I thought, this thing inside my ribcage was already gone, that it had died a long time ago, but I was wrong. The thing inside beat again, and start to pump blood that made me alive. But why is it, the one who made this stupid thing inside of me to work is also the one breaking it? I love her damn much to ignore everything. Honestly, I'm still hoping that one day she will be mine again. I will never let her go. I know, I'm being selfish but this is who I am. She brought back the life in me, but she's also the one taking it way. But, no matter what I will bring her back into my arms, protect her, make her feel that I love her. I need her, because she's not just my life giver, but instead, she's my life._

Then, a tapped on my shoulder breaks my reverie. Eriko is now ready; she's wearing an apricot-colored dress, just perfect for a yellow rose.

"my, my Eriko-chan, you look fantastic with your dress." I gave her a big grin of mine.

"thank you for the compliment Sei. Now, can we start moving? We don't want the highly esteemed princess to wait, aren't we?"

"huh! Of course. Now your highness, shall I lead you to your destination?"

"sure thing, **her** prince" _good to hear that I'm her prince, but, she's still my little sleeping beauty—in deep slumber, waiting for this price to wake her up, to show her that I'm the real thing. Aw! What am I thinking? Can I ever do that?_

I lead her to my car, and start driving.

"Sei, I'm not quite sure... but are you sick or something?" she starts... then I smiled

"why? I asked

"uhmmn.. you're not driving like a maniac, tell me are you sick? Have you taken your medication today? Shall I take you to the nearest mental, I mean hospital?"

"aw Eriko, how many times I've tell you that I'm not crazy! Ok, I don't want anything to happen to the queen of Yamanobe-sensei just like that." I teased

"yeah right Satou! really, why?"

"nothing..." I don't want to tell her that I'm driving like this ever since **she **walked away.

Silence...

Silence...

Silence...

**(Eriko)**

The drive to the resto was awkwardly silent. We hardly talk about anything—what else can we talk about really—and I kinda feel that Sei is anxious about the meeting with an old friend.

Well, in my case, this is the first time that I will be able to see Youko after that incident with Sei. I just contacted her this morning for the dinner and after that we hung-up. And really, I can't wait to face her, asks her about everything. To be honest, I'm happy for her that she already found someone that will definitely stick with her, but some part of me is not, seeing this situation of Sei. But really, I can't blame Youko for the thing she did. Maybe she too, love that Su, but, I still don't understand why she's somehow stuck with this blonde right here, knowing Youko, she will not do things if she's already decided, and won't let anyone break those decision of hers. _is seeing Sei break her resolve?_

Sei seemed to notice the awkward silence between us, and decided to turn the radio on. And heard a very familiar song.

_Sometimes I wake up crying at night _

_And sometimes I scream out your name _

_What right does she have to take your heart away_

_When for so long you were mine_

I saw her twitch with the lyrics of the song. I even saw in her eyes a glimpse of pain, which made me want to comfort her—but how? When she's been driving. I wonder what she's thinking.

**(Sei)**

Really, the silence in this happy yellow beetle—how ironic, that my baby is a happy car while its owner is broken into pieces—is quite deafening. So I decided to turn my fucking radio on. And to my surprise I heard this song. I believe that this song is made for me—well just the chorus I guess.

I saw in my peripheral vision that Eriko is looking at me, with those compassionate eyes of hers. but I can't even look at her simply because I don't want her to see my emotions exploding inside of me.

_Damn those lyrics! It reminds of the things I did when Youko left. I wake up crying because of my regrets, why didn't I show her that I love her; why didn't I said to her that she meant everything to me; and above all, why did I pushed her away? And now, someone is holding her heart, someone is claiming that Youko's heart belongs to her. And it hurts, knowing that that same heart was once mine. Once? Did I let my chance pass? Can't I have another chance? I promise Kami-sama.. just let me have another chance, I will never ever let go of it._

"Sei..."

"WHAT?!"

Silence..

"aw Eriko—damn it—I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout it just that—"

"Sei, really it's ok, I know what you're feeling right now, but please calm down." She said, putting her hand on mine, showing that she sympathize with my agony. "now, can we just switch the frequency of that radio?" she asks, then I nod.

She then pushed the button for the change of frequency. I don't have any idea on the song that was playing on the station, so I calmly listen to it, well, the song is about a guy—the one singing—talks with an old friend, asks about her girl, then, his friend told her that she's ok.. then... the chorus—AGAIN—hit my core. Damn!

_What if we were wrong about each other?_

_what if you were really made for me?_

_what if we was `sposed to be together?_

_Would that not mean anything?_

_What if that was `sposed to be my house that you go home to everyday?_

_How can you be sure that things are better?_

_If you can't be sure your heart ain't stil here with me_

_Still wanting me_

Honestly, I wanted to ask those questions to Youko, I want to ask her, 'what if she's supposed to be with me and not with that girl'. Thinking about her in the arms of my Youko makes me jealous. But really, what can I do? I wasted my opportunity, I could have showed her I love her, I could have taken good care of her heart, but I stupidly miss my time, I just let it pass and worst, I even hurt her. _So, this is what she felt when I'm still absorbed with... shiori._

We arrived at Guillano's Restaurant hoping to see a raven haired beauty, but out of confusion, or shock I may say, she's not there. Not **yet** there. So we settled on the table specifically for the three of us. I wonder where she is; I hope that nothing bad had happen to her. Or maybe we're just early. But still, it's unusual for her

**(Youko)**

The ride to the resto is quite awkward, so slow that I couldn't even think. You may add that the cab driver is quite annoying; thank god he had the nerve to open his radio—but once he had done it, I wished that he didn't. The song absolutely hit my core, and it made me feel guilty about everything, especially with Su...

_Cause when I'm with him_

_I am thinking of you_

_Thinking of you_

_What you would do if_

_You were the one_

_Who was spending the night_

_Oh I wish that I_

_Was looking into your eyes_

Really, there are times—no make it most of the time. I always berate myself, but every time I'm with her all I think about is the other one… Sei. I know I haven't gotten over her and I think I can't even do it. But it's so hard, knowing that I still have Su with me, and it's so silly if I dump someone who showed me love, someone who made me special. But, I don't know, it feels like seeing Sei made me break my own resolve.

Finally! I arrived on Guillano's safe, but my heart is swirling in confusion. But I have to put up my walls again, why is it feels like my walls are slowly vanishing, and my façade is wavering? I have mastered it am I? so what's happening now?

I entered on the resto and to my surprise, I saw the one I'm meeting—a brunette and a blonde—already sitting on the table they reserved earlier, and somehow, they don't even notice me yet.. A waiter approached me and asks if i'm with somebody or a reservation perhaps. And I said I have and they were already here.

"I'll accompany you Miss" he said

"no, thanks, I can see them now and I can managed." I bow to him elegantly and walked towards the direction of my good friends.

Upon reaching the table, the two seemed to be startled and stare at me as if I'm a goddess or what.

"hi!" was the only thing I said.

* * *

I know, this is a bit short, but… I'll make the most out of it soon..

Another disclaimer.. the songs I used in this fanfiction is not mine.. so help me god!

1st song: you were mine by avril lavigne

2nd song: what if by babyface

3rd song: thinking of you by katy perry

That's all for now folks… ciao.. XD


	5. resolve breaks

i'm still alive.. i guess??

at last! 5th chappy

thanks for reading those stuffs of mine..

oryt!

R&R guys.. :))

* * *

**(Sei)**

A goddess descended from mount Olympus —that's the only thing I could think of when I looked up. Youko is wearing a red dress—I think I saw this once, but I couldn't just remember. I stand up to pull the chair in front of me, so that she could sit.

"thank you Sei." She said. And I returned to my seat.

"so, how are you Youko? It's been a long time since we've seen each other." Eriko Started.

"oh.. yeah.. same life as ever..."

"I heard from Mother Superior that you've been excelling in Europe.. I mean, president of the Student body there... wow..."

"huh! They were left with no choice, I guess.."

"really Youko.. you're just so great" I entered.

"oh.. really Satou Sei.. Who's great here? I heard you've been receiving some awards in and out of the university. So what you've been writing now?" she asked me..

"what I've been working now? Uh.. a story about a lass with hikikomori tendency who fell in love with a lady who had been suffering from unrequited love.. Well, they save themselves from hurt... let's say.. it's a happy ending."

"oh.. it sounds great huh.. American" Eriko teased... she's been staring at me with glimmers in her eyes that I found kinda annoying. And before I could retort, Eriko asked a question that definitely hit my core. "so, why aren't you with Su? Huh Youko?"

"oh, she told me that she had to do something... that's why she didn't had to go, same with Jin."

"oh... I see.. what does she looked like?"

"a blonde with same height as mine, well almost same as mine..and carrying two blue orbs on her eye sockets." I answered.

"hey, why are you answering? I didn't ask you right?" Eriko said straight in my face..

"huh.. nothing.. . I just want to answer it really.. it's okay with you, right Youko-chan?"

"Youko-chan? Where did that come from Sei?" Youko asked me... with some hints of amusement in her eyes..

"hah! Nothing.. just being a tease.. well, Youko... are you still going back there?"

"unfortunately yes, I still have 1 year to cope in the university.. but then again.. one year is not that long.." I agreed with her.. she's been right all along... but I could also see in her eyes that she don't want to look at me.. and I do not know why... is she hiding something? Or, maybe she's still not ready to talk to me after I came barging in to her house.. oh well...

"Sei?"

"oh.. why?"

"uhm, you've spaced out? Something wrong?" Youko asked me worriedly..

"oh, no.. I'm sorry.. ah.. well, I've been thinking about that dress you're wearing.. I guess, I've seen that before?"

"oh.. Satou Sei! you baka! You were the one who chose that when the three of us had the time to shopped.. remember?" Eriko said mockingly.. and I think.. oh!

"oh yeah! I remember.. it suited you.."

"same as ever Satou, you said the exact words you've said four years ago.." if I could shrink, I guess I'll be shrinking anytime now with this endless tease from Eriko. While Youko, being Youko just staring at our exchange of words.. but really I'm so embarrassed now.. oh well, but I just said the truth... it really suit her well.. and wait! If it was four years ago... and still fitted.. it means..

"Youko?"

"what?"

"you're so thin?! You didn't even gain weight for those four years? My, my... you should eat!" I said almost worriedly

"huh! Coming from you? You too should eat too you know.."

"at least I'm not thin as you are.." I spat

Then she laughed... it's nice to see the smile plastered in her face.. it is breathtaking and above all.. it takes all my sorrows away.

and then silence...

"oh well, since I guess I'm not needed.. I think I need to answer this phone call right away.. ok? Excuse me ladies." Eriko said with a hint of tease in her voice. Oh well..

---

**(Youko)**

After a moment of silence, Eriko excused herself because there is someone calling her and this left me sitting in front of Sei. I honestly do not know what to say, I mean this is supposed to be a happy reunion. But I guess it's not. I wish I could go back from the time I held her in my arms that fateful day. If only I got the nerve to tell her that I love her, to beg to her to try to love me at least a little, but I became an idiot as I'm supposed to be, I became a stupid freak, an unbearable coward. But I guess none of us wants this and no one had guessed that this thing will happen. I didn't plan to leave her three years ago, but love mixed with jealousy is dangerous so I have the need to do something. Jealous because that time someone was making her preoccupied—preoccupied meaning someone is already taking care of her heart, but not as a lover. That I thought I'm nothing, that I'm a useless needle dropped among the sea of useful ones. I got mad, frustrated, and anxious all the same time, so I have to make a decision.

Once the letter from Cambridge arrived, and it confirmed that I am ready for the four years of studying in that university I decided to leave right away. It's just that I never thought that my flight was scheduled on Sei's birthday. It hurts me a lot knowing that, Shiori had left Sei right before her birthday. How dare me to duplicate it, and worst I did it exactly on Sei's special day. I'm a wreck!

My stay in Cambridge was... well exciting. Having a new world to venture and a new culture to acquire is something that does not happen every day. After months of staying there, I met a guy named Jin, a masculine with a feminine's heart. He became a good friend and eventually my best friend. At first I was hesitant to confide to him, but then—as what others say—only few people could see what's inside Mizuno Youko. I told him everything, and somehow got relaxed with his presence. Then one and half year ago, went in a club near at the university, a girl with blonde hair approached me. At first I thought she was Sei or I was just hallucinating or something, but I was wrong... more so, if not for her blue eyes I would have think that this blonde in front of me made her way to Cambridge. Their features were quite similar, but then, I figure out that it's pretty normal simply because Sei have some western blood in her veins. She told me that... she's a lit major in the university, head of the Literature Club, and awarded with several awards in and out of Cambridge. Well, too much for her achievement so I asked her what does she want from me, then she said that, she's been looking at me whenever I pass on their office, she got interested with me because... well, so many reasons as what she have said... and oh, she's Su. And then that's it. we started dating, and later on became a couple—lovers for that matter. God knows that I love her. She became my refuge when I was drowning from misery, but then, seeing Sei here in front of me was able to break my resolve: that I will never let go of Su's hand.

Silence is still deafening. I really do not know what to say to her, I do not know how to start. It's been a while. I want to talk to her about the thing happened last night. This is insane really. I wonder where Eriko is. What took her so long? Oh well..

Maybe recognizing that Eriko was still not around Sei decided to talk.

"you know what I miss you.." she said sheepishly... _don't get me started.. Sei please.. _"oh wait, I'm not implying anything.. I just want to say it.. oh Fuck! Sorry... I still do not know how to process some things lately.." she said..

"silly Sei.."

"I am" she said

"hey don't get me wrong Sei... I mean, you don't have to say sorry... you've done nothing.. it is I who left you right?"

"but... it's my fault. I hurt you."

"oi.. oi.. Sei.. i should've not left you. I became stupid really.. I should've have talk to you instead of walking away. I'm such a coward ass really." I said, then to my surprise she hold my hand.

"no you're not. Youko, you've done it because you can't take the pain. You're not a coward; it's just that you don't know what to do. I would also do that if I were you. It is not wrong to run."

"but.."

"Youko... it's okay... you don't have to explain it."

"but Sei.." I removed my hand in her grasped, then looked at her. I saw a pained expression that made me clutched my chest, but I fight the urge to do so..

Then, silence..

"Sei.. sorry.."

"Youko... you don't have to apologize really.. it was my fault. You run away because of me. you cried litter of tears because of me.. if there is someone to be blame.. it's supposed to be me. Youko... I want to us to get together.. the way we used to be. Youko, I miss those times that I used to sit with you on the windowsill of Lillian, Youko, can we be the way we were back then?" I was astounded by Sei's words and the only thing I could do was nod. "she loves you."

"she does."

"I'm happy. I'm happy knowing that someone loves you the way you are supposed to be loved." Then she smile.

_Sei, if only you knew what you are doing. Sei.. I think I'm falling all over again._

And as our conversation goes, Eriko came back.

"oh, I think I'm right that I'm not needed here. Want me to leave?" Eriko asks.

"funny deko-chin... you were the one who will pay this remember?" Sei said as the food is being served by the waiters.

"you wish!"

"yeah..."

And then... it's like a yesterday... we burst out laughing.

We eat silently but then I could feel Sei's gaze at me at times. After eating, we went out.

"so where are we going now?" I asked

"hmmn... ask Sei. it's her turn now." Eriko said whilst snickering. Then I turn to Sei.

"well, we will go to a drink-till-you-drop place. Hmmn.. c'mon.. I brought my baby.. I'll drive!" she said excitedly. Before anyone could protest she grabbed Eriko's hand and mine as well towards her car.

The drive towards the 'drink–till-you-place' as what have Sei said was... well, awful. No matter how hard I told her to slow down still she didn't listen.

"WE'RE HERE!!!" she shouted.

"what is this place?" Eriko asked

"presenting the drink-till-you-drop place: SHERWOOD!" she said while gesturing her hands up.. as if telling the label of a product.

Eriko and I said nothing. We just stare at each other and shrug.

**(Sei)**

We enter the club and find a good spot. There, I saw a place in the middle of the club. We sit there. then a waiter approached us for our drink. Youko got tequila sunrise, Eriko got bloody mary, and as for me? I got martini.

" I've said it's a drink-till-you-drop place and I mean it. a friend of mine owns it and I got 50% discount for anything that I get."

"so, does it also mean that you will be the one paying these?" Eriko asked and I nod.

Then a man approached us and asks if she could dance with Eriko. Honestly, I almost laugh with that but Youko just glared at me, so I fight it. so I just leaned on Eriko and whisper

"Eriko, since... yamanobe-sensei is not around... try to enjoy a little freedom." She just nod and accepted the offer of that man. To be honest, I made this trick so that I could be alone with Youko...

"so it leaves us here." I said to her whilst grinning.

"yeah... so what are you up to? Satou Sei?" _'aw shit! She reads me again'_

"nothing." I said in the most innocent tone I knew.

"haha.. Sei, spill it." '_I really don't how to explain.. think Satou... think! Oh yeah!"_

"hah! Since you've figure out that I'm up to something... I guess... or I think.. I need to spill it now." I paused and stare at her. She carry her I'm-listening expression. "well, now that Eriko had left... I will be next... so I guess, I could leave you here now.. can I?"

"no."

"but why? Eriko is enjoying! So why can't I?"

"because... you will be the one to stay here and I will be the one to have some fun." Then she stands up.

"hey, hey, hey... you can't do that!"

"why?" she asked whilst lifting an eyebrow.. _'I need to think... oh woman! You're giving me a hard time!'_

"because you have a girlfriend! Not because she's not around you're allowed to have some fun with anybody else... I'll tell her that!"

"hah! And since when you start caring about my issues?"

"since you came back with a mushy gushy girlfriend."

"what do you mean by that?" she said

"well, you know the word LOYALTY right missy?"

"of course I do!"

"then, you know what I'm saying then! C'mon Ms. Perfect."

"oh.. what's the commotion all about?" Eriko said and that alone made us jump. Well, let's say the first one to recover wins... and unfortunately, just give a Mizuno Youko a split second then she'll recover.

"oh, you're back... anyway, this person right here, Satou Sei... our good friend of _ours_ doesn't want to let me have some fun." She said while pointing her index fingers at me.

"and why is that? Sei?" Eriko asked, _'now! I'm about to enter a big trouble.'_

"because..."

"becaaaauuuusssseeee....?" the two of them coaxed

"as I was saying earlier to our high esteemed princess... she's already taken. And it's not good to have fun with anyone else except _me_... oh I mean us!" _'uh oh.. I slipped... note to myself: make sure if you will slip do it without the one you love. if not, don't drink!' _And unfortunately for me, Eriko caught my slip of tongue scene.

"oh.. just with you? Not including me? so... what kind of fun are you talking about?" she teased and I felt heat creeping in my cheeks.

"nothing! And I said US and not just me.." then I looked away, away from Eriko's teasing eyes and away from Youko's prying expression. Then, I saw from a distance an old acquaintance. _'thank you Kami-sama! You still love me.. I knew it!'_ then I looked back at them, "well, well, if you just excused me ladies... I will just greet an old friend there." I said whilst pointing the direction of Shizuma.

Since I heard neither complaint nor disapproval, I immediately went to her.

"hey there!" I said, greeting my old platinum haired friend.

"oh! Sei! how are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm with some friends there, but I have to leave them for a while. You know.. got into an argument."

"what kind?"

"well, before I say it, would you mind to introduce me to your friend?" I said.

"oh.. I'm sorry, well you see here... she's Miyuki, Rokujo Miyuki. My.. well, you know, girlfriend."

"Satou Sei" I said then offer a hand and she accepted it right away. this Rokujo girl reminds me of my one and only love. Youko. Both of them have stern features and well, the short hair which made me thought I'm seeing her infront of me. aw wait! Did Shizuma says her girlfriend? "hey Hanazono, did you just said your girlfriend? So what happen with the Aoi girl?"

"oh, she's a... well, eye opener to see that all along I'm with the real thing. She's with her best friend right now... or I guess, her girlfriend.. so then, enough with those petty things. So, why are you here? You've said you've got into trouble.. what kind?"

"oh, well, you see... this stupid mouth of mine slipped. I mean, I'm with my friends, and I like one of those girls over there, the short haired woman." I pointed.

"oh! She looked like My Miyuki! Oh anyways... what made you slipped."

"well, got jealous. I want her to have fun with me, but of course without her knowledge.. 'coz right now, she has a girlfriend. But, out of this stupid green-eyed thingy inside of me, I lost, I slipped."

"oh, you're terrible" Shizuma teased. And I just gave her the sheepish thing I knew. "here have some drink, have two shots of this vodka and you follow it with Martini. I'm sure.. things will be okay.. well, don't think I'm making you drunk.. it's just that you've been escaping every time I ask you to go out. This is your punishment." So then I have no choice but to do it. I think I drink more that two of vodka and more shots of martini. Then, I take a look at the Miyuki girl. She's totally look like Youko. I wonder if shizuma will allow me to dance her girl.

"sure!" shizuma said.

"what?"

"you said, you want to dance with Miyuki. 'm allowing you buddy."

"oh.. I voiced it out? Sorry... I think I'm kinda tipsy. But well, since you allow me.." I look at Miyuki. "can we dance?"

"sure" she said shyly with her cheeks blushing.. '_cute'_

"hey, Satou, don't you dare touch her there! I'll kill you."

"c'mon Shizuma, even if I'm tipsy, I will not do that to your girl. Oh, don't kill me if I kissed her ok?" then she look at me as if she wants to kill me right then in there. "kidding!" I said laughing whilst grasping the hands of Miyuki. '_I wonder what Youko will say..."_

**(Youko)**

It's been a while since Sei left Eriko and me.

"this is interesting?" Eriko said, who find something eccentric I guess.

"what is?"

"well, take a look at your back." Then I look back. SURPRISE! It is really an interesting treat: Sei dancing with someone I don't know. Sei leaned on the girl I think and whisper something and both of them burst into laughter. _'ouch!'_ something inside me constricted. I shouldn't feel this way right?

"Youko? You okay?"

"of course! Why?"

"you've been frowning since you saw Sei with someone."

"oh, did i? I didn't notice really." She said

"c'mon Youko. Why?"

"nothing."

"same as ever. You're still stubborn are you?!" she said with a hint of quip in her voice.

"well, no. I guess no."

"if not, then why don't you tell me why are you frowning?"same Eriko as always, she still won't stop until she get something she want. And honestly, I like that about her, but this time... I do not know.

"well?" she asked

"okay... okay.. well, I with somebody now right?" she nodded. "and I shouldn't feel this way!"

"feel what?"

"jealousy! I'm jealous that Sei is dancing with somebody and not with me! I hate it. I hate this feeling Eriko!" i burst out.

"oh, Youko... you've drink too much did you? You should stop now. Sei is already drunk and I think you need to be sober because you will be the one driving us. you know that I don't drive right? But anyway... answer me. do you still have feelings for Sei? well, at least a bit?" I nod.

"but, I shouldn't have. You know that!" i added immediately

"... you can't just throw something you had for so long. And Youko, it's normal if you felt a slight jealousy within you. Because you still have feelings for her. You can't throw away something you hold for 7 years." She's right.. but...

"but, I thought I've lost all of those feelings I had in the past..."

"but you did not."

I was about to say something but I was startled by Sei who hugged me from behind.

"why so serious?" she asked. and I could feel that something warm is starting to crawl in my cheeks. So I remove her hands from me.

"nothing. Satou Sei! we are going home now!" I said whilst holding her hand.

"I don't want to! We hardly had fun... we should drink more!" she shouted... then shrug my hands.

"Sei, c'mon.. you're too drunk now." I said

"why so concern? You left me right? You never cared! So why so concern now?" she said sarcastically while grasping my wrist. And stares at me with those deep grey eyes.. Before I could say something, Eriko interrupt.

"Sei, c'mon... you too drunk. Let's go, where are your keys?" she said whilst holding Sei's arm.

Sei lets go of my wrist and get her keys in her pocket. "Here!" she gave it to Eriko.

"at least she's still sane." Eriko whispered to me.

I can't help but feel worry. This is the first time that I saw her so drunk. i don't even care if she's _still_ mad at me for leaving her. Everything I care right now is to caress her. to be with her. if this is a crime i'm doing i won't care. Just for this time. Just for now.

**(Eriko)**

It's been a roller coaster ride here ever since Youko got back. But I don't blame her for coming back though, she have to, she needs to. it's just that I guess, the timing was all wrong. to be honest, I saw how Sei became so insane, when this woman here left, I was upset that she has to run away, but no matter how I wanted to talk to her it's just that I can't, because this is her own life. all I could do is to just look at her—at both of them—fade.

Friendship is the most important thing in this life. and they started as friends. they would just waste their time if they will continue to ruin everything. Youko still do love Sei and Sei still does. but I wonder how long they would be able to cope up with these feelings. the only problem and the biggest, I guess, is the fact that from the start they've never been honest with themselves. Sei being Sei was too thick to admit that from the very beginning she already admire Youko, it's just that she got annoyed with the meddling hands of Youko. and well, we could also include Shiori. Before shiori enter the scene, I could see Sei momentarily glance at Youko when we were in middle school, and since I sat beside her that time, I could see some of her doodles which always includes Youko's back or Youko and herself holding hands. but before she could find the nerve to tell that woman, she met shiori. but failed. she enclosed herself in a forest of thorns and the only one that had entered that forest, well really I do not know if this woman had entered or she was already inside that forest of thorns, but anyway as I was saying... this woman I'm talking about is Youko. Youko managed to soften those thorns so that Sei would be able to go see a glimpse of light even if just a little. but then, Sei was so thick, the only thing she could feel was the hurt that she felt, the miserable situation she's in. she was blinded by these feelings that she didn't even realize that someone was there all along, and that someone was the one she really love. and by the time Sei had realized it, by the time she was not afraid to grab the chance to be with the one she love, it was too late. she lets her chances pass. and she failed to comply with the given time.

while Youko? Youko, the only woman whom I know that own the strongest resolve. the woman who lived her life with rules and limitations. Youko, the woman who learned to love this thick Sei from a far. she is the woman who was not afraid to look at the one she love happy even if she doesn't know that she's supposed to be in that place. I can't consider her a masochist nor a martyr but she's just the way she is. she just love, live life the way she knew. but this high IQ woman became stupid. I don't know but, she just do not know how to fight. originally she was the apple of the eye of Sei, she was the first, but she's so oblivious with it and really... it's stupid. then she run away. for what? to escape? to escape from an unbearable pain. Youko, the strongest person I know when it comes to handling life and responsibility, but when it comes to love, she's stupid. she always limits herself when it comes to love. she doesn't want to give in too much to love because she's afraid to lose herself, to lose all the clarity of her mind. she never notice how Sei looked at her intensely when we are in the middle school, she didn't notice how Sei cared for her welfare, she doesn't recognize the fact that Sei always worry whenever she stay up all night just to do her duties. Sei was there all along, but I guess she's also to thick to see Sei's effort.

I think, from what is happening right now, Kami-sama is giving them a punishment. a punishment that would make them realize that this world is not always full of chances. that this life has limitations... I don't know what would happen next if they would still be oblivious with their feelings. unfortunately, there is still a hindrance... I'm kinda bias here now, for saying that SU—Youko's girl—is a hindrance for these two. well, Sei is my friend, so as Youko... and I think that this people just belong with each other. just like some puzzle pieces, they're simply fitted for each other.

**(Youko)**

I drive Sei's car while Eriko assisted Sei at the back. just when I'm about to open the radio, Sei speak. so, instead of opening it, I just listened to Sei's litany.

"deko-chin!" the tipsy Sei said and she seems so oblivious with things.

"what?"

"I'm going to tell you a little secret."

"what secret?"

"I'm in love.. MADLY in loooooovee.. with a woman with..." she paused..

"with?"

"with the most beautiful eyes in the world. her green orbs tells me that she care. her features maybe stern but whenever I look in her eyes... I can't help but.. I can't help but feel sad."

"why?" Eriko asked

"because whenever I looked in that green orbs of her, I could only see hurt. she's in pained, in turmoil."

"oh, so, who's that person huh?"

"I'll tell you, but promise first that you will not tell her okay.."

"ok. ok.."

"promise me first!" Eriko did, she raised her right hand and muttered 'promise'

"okay.. this woman named... MIZUNO YOUKO... but.." she paused again

"but?"

"but she loved someone else..." Sei said with a broken tone. I look at the rear view mirror only to see Eriko staring back at me sympathetically. she don't need to say a single word, because I could already feel it.

* * *

AN: Strawberry panic is not mine.. :))


	6. confessions 1

to be honest.. i do not know if i'll post this one or not. but i've decided to.. well

here.. just read it..

this one sucks.. i swear.. tsk..

* * *

(Youko)

I woke up with a sore body, a head being drilled with pain, and what makes it weird is when I open my eyes, beside me is a blond woman... not Su, but Sei. I think of the things happened last night, what happen and what did I do. I wonder if we did something unusual. I looked inside the blanket and thank goodness, I'm still dressed. I mean, if I had sex with Sei, it would be too much for Su, and I know, Sei won't just settle things easily.

Since I can't remember some things that had happen last night. I went down to call Eriko for details. Just when I got down, I saw the sleeping form of Eriko on the couch. _What the hell had happen? why is she here and I am there? My! My!_

Sensing my presence, Eriko opened her eyes and smiled at me.

"ohayo Eriko!" I greeted.

"ohayo.. how are you?" she manage to say through a yawn.

"good, but..."

"but?" she asked

"but I can't remember some things last night."

"like?"

"like.. why am I sleeping beside Sei, while you in the couch? Why is it I'm here and not in my own house... things like that."

"oh.. you can't remember the best thing happen last night?"

'_oh my.. what had happen? what is she talking about?'_

"best thing?" she nod whilst flashing a smirk on her face.

"yeah.. okay then, I'll tell you what happen..."

"please do tell..." I said begging. God! I need to know.

"well, you drove Sei's car, remember?" I nod but I can't remember the whole thing. After a paused she then continues. "While on the car, Sei kept on mentioning about a raven-haired beauty and how much she loved that woman. She said that she's so stupid for letting that woman go, and she's such an idiot to let her chances passed. She loves the woman so dearly that she would die if that woman leaves her again. She said that she will do everything to get that woman back. Even if begging in front of the woman's love with she will do, just to get the raven-haired beauty again." She said.

I knew beforehand that I was the woman she's talking about. Of course how could I forget the thing had happen inside the car after we went out of the bar?

"and what else happened? Why is it I'm here?"

"well, you did something" Eriko said with a smirk.. '_oh no! Did we....'_

"did we—?"

"kidding..." she said and it made me irked. Before I could retort she immediately wave her hand in front of me face, and talked. "well, Youko, you're here because of Sei herself. She was so drunk that she could barely stand. You too were tipsy then, so you decided to call Su or Jin but I guess it was Su, telling her that you won't be going home. And the reason that I'm here and you're there... is because, after the call, Sei simply jumped on you and well, kissed you on the lips which you allowed—if you're not believing me, I guess I would let you watch the video of that kiss—"

"we kissed?! Why did I let that happened.. oh god..." I said cutting her off.

"I told you, you were a bit tipsy and you two fell in the ground and it was too fast I couldn't help you, well, actually, I didn't want to. well anyway, you got your senses back and asked me where is Sei's room so that you could tuck her in there. I showed you, and while on the process of showing, I also helped you. Then just when were about to tuck her in the bed, she slumped on the bed pulling you with her. Then you can't get off. You were too helpless. And I let it that way. And that's the thing happen."

"why didn't you helped me then?" I asked curiously.

"I said it, I didn't want to."

"why?"

"because.. well, because.. oh my.. I told myself I wouldn't interfere, but here goes nothing..."

"tell me."

"tell you what?" I asked her. What's with these.. I'm so confused now..

"tell me, what did you feel when you first saw her." I thought for a moment before answering her questions.

"well, you see... I wasn't prepared then. I mean, I was scared. Scared that things will turn out something I can't control."

"then Su came..." I nod. "so, what do you think will happen now? I mean, Sei told you already what she's been hiding all along. Youko, I saw her suffered when you left and she's still is. I know you're in turmoil right now, both of you... I know she still occupies some space in your heart Youko. You wouldn't be jealous last night when you saw Sei dancing with another person if you don't."

"I-I know. But, it's so hard for me, knowing that Sei still occupies a big part of my heart and knowing that someone is waiting for me at home is something that makes me feel bad. I really do not know now what to do."

"you love her do you? I mean, Su?" she asked me.

"of course I do, she was there when everything seems to fall. She made me feel that I'm worthy. w-worthy for someone's love."

"but if you do? why is it you're confused?"

"I don't know." I paused. '_why am I being unsure lately'_

"I mean, I do know, I love her. It's just that, you know, I went there to escape, to forget—and it's very lame decision—but the moment I saw Sei again, everything seems to fall. I became unsure of whom I really love the most. I've tried to balance everything. And I hate it! I hate the fact that I still love Sei. and I can't do anything because I still love Su. And I'm not that stupid to dump Su just like that, for the fact that she's the reason why I was able to stand up on my own feet again. S-she's the one who gave light to my life when I was enveloped by darkness.... And I hate... I hate that I will be doing it just because the one I love for so long love me back, and for the fact that... I'm still not over her—Sei. Eriko, this is what I'm afraid of. Going back in this place, because I know it would be inevitable for us to be together. I am afraid that I might realize that she still have that big part in my heart, and she still do."

"why did you go back in the first place if you are afraid?"

"be...because I thought, I'm over it. I thought I'm ready to face her again after three years. But, 'was wrong, I still can't look in her eyes and tell her that I've moved on, and I can't say that I stopped loving her. Because really, I still do... I still do love her."

"you... you still love me?" a voice from my back startled me, it's Sei's. I do not know how to answer or do. I know I would stammer if I continue to say anything. But before I could do anything, she run beside me and wipe the tears running in my face before hugging me. I could feel her breathe in my ears.

"I love you, you know. But I'm not forcing you to leave her and be with me, ok?" she started. "I know I can't call you mine. And I know where I stand. I love you and that's it. it doesn't matter if you won't say it to me, but I've said it. but Youko, I want a simple request from you."

"w...what?"

She then look at me, but never breaking the embrace.

"please don't leave me again. I mean, you would still go back to Europe. But please, I want an assurance that I still have someone I could turn to whenever I need someone—aside from Eriko of course. Because, I might die if ever you end this friendship, this friendship alone saved me from dying. Please Youko, promise me.." she pleaded.

How can you refuse in an honest request? And I don't want to see her like this now.

"Oh, Sei.. I love you so much for me to leave you again. but.."

She silenced me by putting her index finger in my lips.

"I know Youko, I know. You love her. And she loves you as much as I could possibly love you. But Youko, I want you to know that I'll be waiting here. Even if it's for forever... I'll be... you don't have to tell me anything. As I've said. I just want you to know that."

I was totally dumbfounded. _MIZUNO YOUKO, how many times you've been amazed by this creature in front of you? Her sincerity, her whole being just drives you insane. What will you do next? What will I do next? I can promise her that I'll never end our friendship. But will this alone keep me sane? Sei, you really don't know what you're doing to me. _

"i... I promise."

"thank you! Thank you so much. You don't know how that thing means to me Youko. I love you. I really do." then she hug me again, and to my surprise she pulled away and kissed me in the lips again. this time more passionately, not forceful and it's totally sweet. I would have answered it, but she broke the kiss. "oh Youko, I'm sorry." She said whilst scratching the back of her neck.

And I just smile with that. But then, Su's face flashed on my mind. I felt guilty with this thing I'm doing. Considering that last night, I've been talking with Sei about LOYALTY. Oh my.. what am I doing?

"Youko? Why are you sighing?"

"nothing..."

Then we heard a cough. And this made us look at the direction of Eriko, who else it would be?

"oh, I'm sorry.. but then, I'm glad that you noticed me." she said.

"smooth, really smooth deko-chin." Sei said.

I almost laugh, but Su's image kept on flashing on my mind that I couldn't concentrate. I free myself from Sei's embrace and stand up.

"uh, I need to go. Su is probably waiting for me at home and I need to explain some things to her."

"care for a ride?"

"no, thank you Sei. I can manage."

"ok, take care. I love you."

"bye."

And I leave the house. And before I totally leave I take a glance at Sei and she's carrying a disappointed look on her face. I wonder why. _think Youko! Think! What did you do now?_ And then a bulb seemed to light on my head. Right, I didn't react when she said 'I love you'... but then, do I really need to reply?

**(Sei)**

"why disappointed?" Eriko asked me.

"she.."

"because she didn't respond? Is that it Sei?" I nod. "do you actually think she would reply?"

"yeah, but."

"Sei, the two of you are not in a relationship, remember? And for God sake, Sei, you're consider as a third party in this situation."

"I know! I know! You don't have to point it out on my face Eriko. It's just that.. I was hoping that at least she could say that she love me for the last time." I said. Resting my head on Eriko's shoulders, and she gradually caress my back.

"I know Sei, I know how it hurts to know that you are love by the one you love yet you can't have it."

And then, I let myself cry again. it hurts, it really hurts like hell. How I wish Youko is free. That Youko is all mine. But I know I can't because of _her_. I love Youko damn much that I would stay, that I would wait for her. Kami-sama.. please, give Youko to me. and I'll promise... I'll never let her cry again nor suffer. She had suffered enough because of me. God, please give me a second chance, and I promise I won't screw it up. _'Youko, I love you damn much...'_

--------

AN:

Well, just want to say something 'bout the words of Eriko which was: "_She said that, she will do everything to get that woman back. Even if begging in front of the woman's love with she will do, just to get the raven-haired beauty again."_ well, Sei had said those things because she was DRUNK therefore she can't really control her actions or words for that matter, and she can't remember anything about it, that's why she didn't became too possessive when she talked to Youko 'bout her feelings. Well that's it. :) and oh, remember the last time that Youko was jealous when Sei danced... she had drink more than what she can take that's why she can't remember the things happen in Sei's apartment... but then, good thing she has the nerves to drive Sei's car. Hoho..

oh.. I think... we're near... near what? I'll just let your imagination run... :D but for now, hope you enjoy.


	7. confessions 2

**(Su)**

Sitting here in the couch waiting for the one I love the most... she's gone since yesterday, she's been with Sei and Eriko... she also said that she will be staying at Sei's and I had a feeling that she's drunk last night when she called.

Youko, I love her, but she also loves _that _Sei. How did I know? Well, she told me _that_ thing before, she said to me that she once loved that woman, and she came to Europe not just to study but also to forget. 7 years of loving someone? I would be very disappointed if she would easily forget that woman just like that after all that is one thing that made me fall in love with her. But now, something is different, I could see that Sei is a threat for me to be with the woman I love even for just a little time. Yes, my time in staying here in Japan is limited I have to go back there as soon as possible for some reasons of course.

Well, Since I got here, and after the last night's event I've been wondering, did Sei manage to steal Youko's heart away from me? or, did I even owned that heart... I do not know.

I was startled by the sound of the screeching of the door, and it revealed my beautiful Youko.

"hey" I said.. whilst standing up to offer my hand to her.

"hey.."

"I've been waiting for you." I said leading her to the couch.

"oh, why?"

"uhm.. we need to talk."

"okay.. 'bout what?"

"uh.. well, I need to tell you something." I said.

**(Youko)**

_I need to tell you something..._

Her words kept on ringing on my ears and why is it I could feel my heart beating so fast? `what does she wants to say to me? I do not know what to react so I just kept quiet and wait for her to tell me something. Well, I guess reacting to something right now is hard merely because of the things happened at Sei's, and for some reasons... I'm still dumbfounded by the event.

"Youko?"

"hmmn?"

"I want you to know first that I love you, and you are the only I love and will love for the rest of my life. But Youko..."

"what?"

"I'm getting married."

"what? Why?"

"it was an arrange marriage Youko, you know that I never considered marrying someone I do not love, but, they said to me, weeks before I went here. I can't do anything except for accepting the fact that I am bound to marry someone I don't love. I can't do anything because the marriage was already finalize and it was decided long ago." Oh my...

"who's he?"

"a childhood friend in the name of Alex. I've been close with him but there was never a time that I fall for him. And I think it will not happen, because only you hold my heart. And Youko?" she said..

"what?"

"I want you to be happy, that's why I accepted the marriage."

"but, i—I'm happy with you." I said.

"but not as happy when you are with her." She said..

"with who?"

"with Sei, Youko, I know that you still love her, I know that you love her more than you love me. Youko, I'm not blind. You still care for her. And for that year that we are together... I can't help myself think that I'm just a placeholder of something you cannot have." She said whilst holding my hands.

"but I love you!" I said, almost uncontrollably.

"I know Youko; I know that you loved me... that's why I pushed that thought away from my mind. I felt that you loved me. I saw how you doubled your effort just to make me feel that you love me... and that you already forget Sei. But, when I came here, you looked so troubled, as if you're wavering. You didn't even call me 'my love' when I got here. And I saw the way you and Sei look at each other: it was as if the clock had stopped its measuring. Youko, you know you can't hide from me. you know that."

"but.. Su.."

"no buts Youko.. I know you love her more that you love me. and I saw it in her that she also love you."

"Su, I'm sorry..." I said bowing my head, and she still holds my hands.

"Youko, you don't have to apologize to me. I knew—I felt—that my time with you is only limited, but I won't be selfish just because I am your girlfriend—ex-girlfriend for this matter. Youko, I know whom you really love and I want you to know that I'll be happy if I'll see you happy. Youko, please don't push your happiness away. don't push Sei away. the woman loves you. I don't want to see you in your depressing state again just because you made a wrong decision. Put all your defenses down. You'll just hurt Sei by doing that, and most of all you'll hurt yourself. Youko… let your emotions go. She loves you, you love her too… so why struggle?"

"you know that I love her, but why didn't you say anything? You merely hurt youself…" I asked feeling the tears flowing on my eyes.

"Selfish, masochistic side of me I guess. But continuing this relation I guess would hurt both of us don't you think?" I was speechless.

"Youko, let go of your cloak. Just for once, try to be happy. Try to do things your heart wants and not just because you think that's the right thing to do. If you need to break down, go.. if you need to cry your heart out, go… just let that fucking rules and limitation go. Youko, don't limit yourself on what you are capable of, you are more than that. Don't restrict yourself in loving someone. you can be near her if you want, don't just stand there miles away looking at her. That's not an act of love Youko, that's a mere cowardice." And then she enfolds her arms around me. I meditate on the things she had said. Yes, I'm a coward, a big coward, lying herself on rules, limitations and obligations. I went away to escape. Tsk, tsk, such an action from a coward.

"su, I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for breaking your heart."

"No Youko, it's also my fault. I shouldn't have entered your life knowing that you love someone. but I've said, maybe my masochistic side struck me that time." She said and smiled at me.

"oh god…you still have the guts to smile even if I've already hurt you."

"c'mon, don't be full of yourself Youko. I love you and that's it. I'm marrying someone, so c'mon. and maybe… well, just maybe.. I could also love him as much as I love you. I could try teaching my heart if I want to.." she said to me while grinning. "but at least, could I have a one last kiss from the person whom I entrusted my heat?" she added.

"sure."

Then she bridged the gap between the two of us. And kissed me, softly and briefly.

"now, I'm ready…" she said after breaking the kiss.

"so, when are you going back?"

"tomorrow."

"why is it so fast?" I asked.

"because I don't want to hurt anymore. Hahaha.. kidding… well, they need me there, and I've said that I'll just stay here in Japan for three days, to think, to meditate, and to at least find peace before entering the world of commitment. Lifetime commitment." She said. "don't be sad okay? Have a life. Take good care of yourself. And enough with those damn limitations of yours. I'll fix my things now."

"need my help? I asked.

"no need." Then she stands up to walk towards my room.

* * *

well, for me this not a good chapter.. i don't know with you guys..

but then, thank you for reading.. :)


	8. til next time

uhm.. here.. a new chapter..

have fun.. :)

**

* * *

(Sei)**

It's been three days since I last saw her. And I've been missing her terribly. And she's not even calling me so that I could know if she's okay or not, and every time I call her, it's always been Jin who was answering, always saying... _Youko is not here, Youko is already sleeping, Youko is working on something..._ damn reasoning. I want to see her. I need to. i wonder if she doesn't want to see me. oh Youko! damn it! where are you. I thought of going in her house, but I'm afraid to see what's in there. What if she realized that she really loved Su more than I? What it she decided to leave again without saying anything.. but.. but she promised me! oh.. Youko.. I miss you.. where are you... _*sigh_

Eriko was right; I'm a mere third party in this situation. I feel like I'm just a mistress of the one I love and sadly the one that I can't have for now... and oh! The cliché 'so near yet so far' is really applicable in our situation. oh dear. What a crap.. I missed her terribly.. if only Su didn't exist! But I wonder if Youko would ever return here. I wonder where she is now. It's unusual for her to be late... especially when today is Sachiko's party.

"so, where is your lady?" Eriko asked me from behind.

"I don't know. She's not answering my calls and she's not even replying on my text messages on her. Crap!"

"ooohhh... Satou Sei is being so impatient... that's rare."

"shut up deko-chin! Ow! Sorry!"

"hahaha.. you're scary.. but since you're in the mood for teasing... let me tell you something... she called yesterday."

"ugh! i wonder why she's calling you but not answering my call! Darn it"

"jealous are we?"

"no!" but deep down.. I AM! '_Satou Sei CALM DOWN!' _ "well, anyway.. my precious forehead princess.. did Youko said anything about not answering my calls?"

"uhhh.. forehead princess huh! Well, anyhow, she said that... she's been thinking about something... and she doesn't want to be distract by anyone.. as in ANYONE.."

"oh.. I wonder why you were the one she called and not me... *sigh"

"uhhh.. she consulted something to me."

"uhmmm, 'bout what?"

"well, maybe you just ask her about that thing... because as of now... I could see a raven-haired woman—short-haired woman—wearing an elegant little black dress... escorted by a healthy gay in suit." She said.. well, that caused me to look at my back just to be stunned by a face that's memorized and longed by my heart.

"oh.. wonder why she's not with Su.. I'll ask her that later.. but for now.. I think... I have to leave you..." I said before turning around towards Youko's direction, and good thing she's alone now, because someone dragged Jin into the middle of the hall... I think it was Yoshino who dragged Youko's escort—I have to thank that brat later.

"Youko!" I said, whilst wrapping my arms around her slender body, and she just muttered a simple hi. I then break the embrace and study her. She was indeed stunningly beautiful with that lbd she's wearing, but, there is something in her eyes that made me stare for some moment—before it became flat—then it hit me! her eyes shows confusion and even a bit of gloominess. "Youko? why are you sad?" I asked.

"nothing." She just said, though I didn't want to probe deeper 'cause it might annoyed her... silly, I know she's not the type to be easily annoyed by something, it's just that she looks so vulnerable today. So I gathered all my senses. "c'mon Youko, let's take a walk." I instantly grabbed her hand and walk away from the sea of humanity gathering in the Osagawara hall. we stopped in a bench near the pond at the back of the Osagawara's.

"where is Su? Haven't seen her yet."

"she's back in Europe." She said still eyes not on mine. And I couldn't understand why.

"oh.. why so early?"

"she's getting married."

"she's—what?!"

"like I told you, she's getting married." She said plainly.. with some hint of annoyance I guess.. I don't know why is it she looks so bothered or something.

"so that's why you look so sad... uhm.. well, since she's gone.. does that mean—"

"NO." She said plainly... and I could feel that my heart is constricting, I think I couldn't take it.

"but.. but why? I love you. You love me. so why?" I asked painfully, and that made her look in my eyes.

"look Sei, I've recently broke up with someone—with good reasons of course—and I don't want others to think that your just a placeholder for what I've lost."

"excuses! You could at least give me a strong argument Youko! what you've said is nothing but a lame excuse!" I said, not controlling my emotions. Really, it's a lame excuse coming from a Mizuno Youko.

"and Sei... I think we need to rethink things up." She said to me with a serious... as in uber serious tone.

"and what do you mean by that Youko? if rethinking about my feelings for you... well, I doubt if it will change. Youko I love you so much that I'll die if you go again!" and then, something hit me. "do you not love me anymore?" I asked, almost painfully, but I need to get an answer from her.

"no Sei, I loved you and I still do."

"so, what's with the rethinking thing?"

"look Sei, there are so many things happened to us. I mean, would you really realize that I love you if I didn't went away? Sei, I doubt if you would ever realize that."

"Youko! it's a think from the past."

"exactly my point! It was a thing from the past... and Sei, it made me think.. Sei, what if... just what if one day Shiori walks into your life or same as Shiori's soul? What would you do?" that one caught me off guard.

"I don't know, apparently Shiori still holds something in me. but Youko, you are the one that I love now. And it will not change anything. And Youko, please... we don't know anything about Shiori, we don't even know what had happen to her... but I bet she's now a nun. The one she wants to be!" I said with a hint of annoyance in my voice. Why is it Youko is acting like this? Why is does she makes things so hard for us? I love her! She knows that... but why?

"but Sei. you've said it... you do not know what will you do if shiori stepped in your life again. that's why we have to rethink things. Sei, I also need to. 1 year ago, I fell for someone. It is something I need to think about too. You know, for seven years I'm fond of you, and believed that I love you, but I lost—almost lost—it because someone came in my life. Sei, I don't have any doubt 'bout your love for me. but I doubt mine with you. I don't know how strong this one, especially that I had a relationship before knowing that you love me. This feeling was once got weak... and I don't want it to happened again." she said... before lowering her gaze.

"But... I don't doubt yours Youko." I said. Quite understanding what she wants to say to me.

"Like I said I doubt mine. And I have to rethink things. We have one year to think Sei. so please bear with me. I know that you understand me. And Sei, if you really love me that much... I want that when I go back here after one year... you'll know what you will do if that someone in the past comes back. Sei, I don't want you to forget her. But Sei.. you perfectly know what I mean by that." She said.

Now, I fully understand it. we have so many hesitations in life and this hesitations alone made us falter. Youko wants me to be strong. And I will be strong for her. I won't let her to be the pillar of our relationship—can I call it that way? Well, anyway... I won't let that happen. for so long, I had been dependant on Youko's strength... and little did I know that Youko too is weak. She's a fragile glass inside a thick, hard wall, and someday—one day—I'll be the one to take good care of that fragile thing. I want to take good care of her. I want to be her wall... I don't want to be forever dependant in her. And I will not let her wait in vain for doing that. She doesn't need promises... she needs assurance that our love will be so strong that nothing could ever destroy it. it's hurts me that the one I love will be away from me, like she said... too many things had happened and it is because we are weak... too weak to let our emotions go the way it should be.

"yes Youko. I will. I love you. Always remember that. I'll be waiting for you." I said... whilst wrapping my arms around her fragile form and I'm happy that she returned that embrace.

Funny how both of us hide from our own wall, funny how we became thick-skinned and oblivious we are on the feelings of one to another. Maybe Youko too is not yet ready to face another situation that has no assurance. Maybe she has thought that... Su might be with her forever, but she was wrong... that's maybe the one of the reasons why she needs—we need to rethink things... maybe she knows that a part of me still doesn't want to let go of something in the past. Like what she had said, she doesn't want me to forget _her_, and I doubt if I could ever do that though... but I will do everything to feel happy that she once dropped in my life... because as of now... I could still feel pain.


	9. they're back: past and err present?

(Sei)

See how time flies... it seems like yesterday that I walked Youko into the airport and now it's been one year and eight days since she had left. I did the rethinking thing she had said to me, and I know what to do now, if someone stepped in my life again... Shiori or same with Shiori... I'll do nothing. Youko is in my heart now so anything or anyone would come to my life wouldn't matter anymore... because the woman I love now is no other than Youko herself. I wonder when she's coming back; I really want to see her now. I need to tell her my resolve. I'm really excited that I would eventually tell her that she have me.. and then we could be together. '_wooh, what a plan'_

All of a sudden, someone knock on my door. Maybe it's Eriko, she texted me that she would drop by and tell me something... or it could be_ my_ Youko. I immediately went to the door and opened it, to my surprise I came face to face with the woman in the past. A woman standing smaller than I; a woman with brown hair with bangs just above her brows, not making its way to interfere with her tantalizing dark blue eyes. she was smiling at me sheepishly, she still have this angelic aura that I couldn't help but be satisfied with her presence that instead of being angry with her, it's just that all I could do is just to stare at her.

"s-shiori?" I manage to say

"yes Sei, it's me. I missed you!" she said whilst wrapping her arms around me. And I just let her. '_This is wrong'_ I manage to get out of the embrace she had given me.

"w-what are you doing here?" I asked whilst trying to calm myself from the things happening. I looked at her. Studied her. She's not a nun as she should be right now, or maybe this is the time that they should test themselves if they are strong enough to give in to temptation.

"I'm here, because I want to see you. I missed you Sei." she said. I could feel that my mouth is forming a little 'o' now. Then, I noticed that we are awkwardly standing in front of my door. So I grabbed her hand and lead her to the couch.

"so, what brings you here? Isn't it you are supposed to be a nun?" I ask. I really do not know what to feel when I saw her. I was expecting someone else when I heard a knock on my door, but it turn out to be her. I wonder what does she want… Hmmn.,

"well, first, I'm not a nun Sei. it's been a long time when I dropped out from the convent. It was decided that after middle school I would be entering in the convent. I then met you at Lillian, fall in love with you, everything, and to be honest, that's the happiest moment of my life Sei, but I can't run with you. Because... because I thought being a nun is what I'm ought to be. after graduating, I then entered in a convent... I can't help but think. Think about you. Think about things, that what if I was strong enough to run away, to live together with you. Sei, I dropped out because of you. because I want to be with you. Sei… I love you so much that I can't let myself indulge into something that I would regret later on. Sei, please tell me that you still love me. please tell me that I went out for nothing. Sei… please…" she said pleadingly and was crying.

"……I……" I wanted to tell her to stop crying. I pitied her, but love her? Youko is the one I love now? Right? Youko is the one holding my heart now. So I can't say that I love her—still love her.

"Sei…" she wiped her tears before throwing herself to me. she kissed me fully on my lips. I want to push her… but I found myself returning the kiss, same intensity she has. I do not know why I can't stop. I know that this is wrong… because… because this is JUST wrong, but what I couldn't understand is the fact that why am I so absorbed with her scent and why am I so captivated by her soft lips. I know I have to do something to break this kiss… but what? Then I heard a voice.

"Sei! SHE'S BACK!!" then the door was closed with a loud slam. She's back? Who's back? Then, a name crossed my mind. _Youko…_ and it made my eyes snapped open. And I immediately break the kiss..

"Sei?" shiori started.

"that thing shouldn't happen. We are not together now. You know that."

"but you kissed me back.." I was speechless.. I just went to the door and opened it, just to see a Rei bowing her head and an Eriko glaring at me. they saw it… and it's a big trouble if Youko would know the thing happened earlier. Especially that I'm planning to tell her that I want to spend my life with her.

"sorry.. we do not know you were busy. We saw the door opened so we assume that you were at the living room.. and we're right.. we just didn't expect what we saw." Eriko started.

"eriko…" I really wanted to explain.

"no Sei.. let's just act that the thing didn't happened.. and we just want to say to you that she's back. And she's probably waiting for you now.. but I guess.. telling that thing to you.. is.. let's just say.. not that important anymore. But.. just want to ask.. are you coming? Because.. she will be expecting you… especially you SATOU SEI."

"i… I will.." I just said. And then shiori came out of the door..

"hi?" she said whilst clinging her arms to mine. And I took notice of the way eriko look at our arms… she's must be thinking that shiori and me are together again. If only she knew. If only I could explain. But… I don't want to humiliate Shiori by doing that. I still do have a respect for her.

"oh.. since Shiori-san is here. Why don't you bring her there?"

"where?" Shiori asked.

"ah.. the Yamayurikai have a get together party. Uhm.. a welcoming party for our dear Youko. You know… she's back after studying outside the country. So you may go if you want." Eriko answered with a hint of venom on the way she said Youko's name. and it hurts.

"oh.. I would love to." Shiori said enthusiastically.

"okay. We'll just wait for you. since Rei didn't used her car in going here. I bet Sei is on the mood to get us a ride." I just nod and let them in.

I'm starting to get weary now. I wonder what would be Youko's reaction if she saw Shiori. I know. I felt how she hated the woman. How she don't want to see her. Youko's possessive that way, and I could understand it, I mean, that's what I felt when I met Su. So.. _oh Youko_.

I went out of the room wearing a black poet shirt and white slacks. I hope I look okay because right now.. inside of me it's nauseating.

**(Eriko)**

The drive was quiet, really quiet. No one dare to talk, no one dare to ask about anything. Sei is the driver while Shiori is sitting on the passenger's seat, and Rei and I sit on the back seat. What we saw earlier shouldn't be an issue anymore. I would let Youko assess about it later. Poor Youko, what if she was the one who saw that intimate scene we saw earlier. Of course I couldn't blame Sei, can I? Sei loved Shiori all her life, but I think she also love Youko… but the thing is, she should choose immediately before anything else would happen. She saw how fragile Youko is, she saw how Youko could break down… and no matter how strong the façade Youko could show us… deep inside she's breaking. She will break… and no one could stop that except Sei herself.

I know what Sei's decision is … but what I didn't expect is to see something like that earlier. She had told me that she would do nothing… is it the thing she was saying she would do? If Shiori was the one who initiate the kiss… why didn't she stop? Why did she allow that thing to happen? I know Sei too is weak, but I also know that if she's attach with someone, she won't let anyone to distract her to be with that someone. So why now?

**(Sei)**

We arrived at Youko's house. Eriko and Rei got inside first because I need to talk to Shiori.

"look… we are not together anymore right? So stop clinging your arms to mine."

"why Sei? Tell me… I couldn't understand… after that amazing kiss that we've shared earlier.. why now?" she asked…

"because…" I paused. I thought about the thing I'm about to say. Until she interrupt me.

"Sei…?"

"nothing… just don't do it." I said. _Goodness… I'm so stupid._

After the short conversation, we entered Youko's house. I'm nervous really… it feels like I was caught by vertigo and a feeling of something coils inside my stomach. I think I'm about to vomit. I look around to see the people inside. Yumi, Sachiko, Shimako and Yoshino are talking in the couch, Nana, Touko and Noriko were sitting on the dining area… probably talking about things that had happened in their lives. Eriko is talking with Youko outside, eriko is holding her precious little girl Chaia—probably yamanobe-sensei had to run something again. And Rei, is… well walking towards us.

"ah.. shiori-san.. would you mind to come here for a moment… I just want to introduce to you the other members of the council." Rei said whilst grabbing Shiori's arms, she turned to me and wink. I think I need to thank Eriko's soeur later. Then Eriko came to where am I standing and gave me a drink. She let Yoshino to take good care of the little kid.

"so…" I started, then, paused.

"so?" she coax me to continue.

"where is she? I saw you talking to her earlier."

"she's still there. Why don't you go there and talk to her."

"did you—?"

"no, I didn't say anything. We talked about her stay there in Europe… her decisions… and well, you. she asked if how are you.. and that's it. I think you better go there in talk to her." She said..

"right! I'll do that now.." I said and muttered a thank you before leaving her.

I found Youko sitting on the bench. Maybe sensing that I'm there she looks at me and stand up. I smiled at her… why is it all of a sudden it's so awkward already. We stared at each other for quite a moment before I broke it.

"I miss you." I said in a soft voice I could find.

"I miss you too." She said plainly, sternly, and not with the voice full of affection. Why is it all of a sudden it feels like she's so cold to me? then I noticed that she's not even looking at me. I then look at my back to see that she's staring at Shiori. _'I need to do something'_

I embraced her.. to make her feel that I love her, but she's not even returning it. "Youko… please talk to me?"

"why didn't you tell me that the two of you are back in each others' arms?" she asked

"look… Youko.. we are not together. I would explain it to you tomorrow. and I want to tell you something… but let's save it for tomorrow… because this night belongs to the Yamayurikai. And what I want to tell you is something that's just for the both of us.. okay?" she nod. "Youko, c'mon… I'm missing your smile. I hate it when you're so serious. Pretty please… just smile at least once… I'm pretty nervous now… because I think you're mad at me.."

"about the rethinking thing.. Sei…"

"tomorrow okay? Tomorrow.." I said cutting her off.

"but Se—" since she does not want to stop.. I cut her off by giving her a quick peck on the lips. Then she shut up. I want to talk about it tomorrow… I want that day to be special not just for me.. but also for her.

"first… I want you to shut up… second.. I really wanted to do that."

"you're lips taste like strawberry.. isn't it yours is cherry?" '_oh no!'_

"sometimes…we have to try something different… right?"

"oh yeah.." then she smiled.

"I really love when you smile." I said whilst touching her nose playfully.

"hey… you said this night belongs to the others.. so what are we doing here now?"

"you tempt me! that's why"

"I did not.." she said whilst laughing. She's the only thing I see now.. and she's the only one I want. I love the way she laugh, the way she tuck her hair to her ears, the way she look at me with those mischievous eyes of her. I'm totally in love with this woman. She's like a drug and I'm the addict.

We went inside of the house and I saw that Shiori was staring at me—us. I know what will I do is cruel.. but I can't resist to do it. I pulled Youko to me, I heard her gasp… I smiled slyly. I breathe into her ears before whispering something seductively… "I'll see you tomorrow." And when I let go of her.. I saw a faint blush on her face… and it makes me smile all the more.


	10. gettin' tired almost

**(Youko)**

Sei said last night that she would tell me something. I wonder what it is. I'm hoping that it is a good news and not something that would make my world shattered into pieces. Because the moment I saw her with shiori last night, it almost break my heart. I mean, how would you fight for something if the both of you are not together, and how would you fight for your love if you knew that your opponent is someone whom your love swear that will always love for forever, that she decided to close her heart to anyone because of the hurt that she felt. Maybe, I should thank Yumi, because she managed to at least open the window of Sei's heart and eventually she also managed to open the door. Yeah, I bet... I really need to thank her for that. Hmmn... the last night's conversation was a bit...well, complicated, we still do not know each other's decision about the last thing we've talked about before I leave for Europe. Maybe she would tell her decision to me. I can't wait!

Last night was well... okay... one of the memorable in my opinion.

...............................................................

_After the scene made by Satou Sei herself... we join the others; they were playing the never-ending game of truth or dare. Well... more of a.. 'i-dare-you-to-do-this-to-your....' Everyone was grilled, as in everyone including that bitch. Well, most of the questions there were kinda petty... it's like we've known each other's lives that we don't need to probe deeper or ask question that's already known by the others. But the thing that caught my attention was not a question... but a dare from Eriko to her petite soeur. I also noticed that the others were shocked by the incident._

"_so.. my dear petite soeur... truth or dare?"_

"_uh.. dare?"_

"_hmmn... kiss the person you admire the most in the council... except for me of course.. hahaha.."_

_I looked at Rei to see her reaction; she immediately went ten shades of red. Ohh.. this is interesting..._

"_where?" she asked.._

"_just on cheeks... silly.. someone might kill you if I said you kiss her on the lips right?"_

_And well.. she stood up.. then walk towards my direction.. and kissed me on the cheeks. I heard gasp from everywhere. I looked at yoshino to see her awkwardly calm, then at Eriko who was... grinning from ear to ear... afterwards, I felt Sei's grip on my hand tighten._

"_jealous are we?" I whisper to Sei's ear._

"_why would I?" she said.. then she shift her gaze to Rei.. "aha! So rei-chan.. admires our Ms. Lillian huh."_

"_that was.. that.. that was before Sei-sama.. and—"_

"_you don't have to explain Rei.. really..." Sei teased._

"_Sei..." I said_

"_just teasing..." she answered.. giving me her famous satou-grin._

"_please.."_

"_okay..."_

_And presto the discussion was finish._

_After sometime, they decided to end up the little party they had for me. I was surprised when Sei grabbed me and pull me into an embrace.. "I missed you so much. don't leave me huh." She muttered._

"_I missed you too... I won't" I assured her.._

_Then they went home._

_.....................................................  
_

I took a cab all the way from my house to her apartment. Since she's on the second floor, I would just take the stairs... and I think she wouldn't mind if I would be late for just a bit. Sei's room is just located three doors on the right after the stair cases, so I think it would just be okay. Just as I stepped on the last staircase, I heard a jovial voice.

"oh Sei! I love you!" '_did I heard it right?'_

My curiosity had caught me off guard. it feels like I was glued on the floor, I'm fighting back the sobs that are already resting on my throat, and I blink so many times to avoid the tears from falling, because in front of me, is Sei... with Shiori in her arms, they were kissing passionately, and looked so sweet together. I feel so numb because of the pain, I felt so stupid for believing that she could have love me. but I guess I was wrong. And I have to accept the fact that I'm just a friend nothing more, nothing less. She could have said it in front of me that she decided to dump me from someone from the past, and not this way, but I doubt that she knows that I'm even here. Those two are so oblivious with the things happening outside their world. They're seemed so absorb with each other. And then they broke the kiss, and no matter how I wanted to run away my feet seemed to be stuck on the floor, until Sei accidentally looked on my spot. She was obviously shocked by my presence, so she eventually freed herself from the embrace.

"y-Youko...?" she said. And right on cue she walked towards me, she held me in my shoulders. And I know that I have to regain all the sober part in me... I have to wake up from my illusions that she would love me, that she cares for me. "Youko I—"

"why didn't you tell me that you're back in each others' arms Sei?" I ask calmly—err am I calm?

"Youko..."

"uh.. I get it.. so this is the thing you wanted to say to me?" I said... "I-I'm happy for you" I immediately added.. then she held my hand... I have to go now.. because what's happening right now just ripping me apart... and if this keep on going... I might lose all the sober parts of me... and hell! I wouldn't allow that.

"Youko.. I just want to--"

"Sei, I remember just now.. that I have to meet Eriko. Bye Sei.. and really.. I'm happy for you." Then, I turn around and leave. After exiting the building... tears just roll from my eyes. I really can't help it. I need to let go of it before this feeling eats me alive.

I wasn't looking on my way... and it made me bump into somebody.

"Youko-sama?" at first I didn't notice whom the person was. "daijoubo?" she asked. so I raised my head up and came face to face with tall blonde.

"I'm okay, Rei."

"you doesn't seem to be. Are you crying?"

"no.." I said. And she didn't say anything.. "rei.. I have to go now."

"I-I'll drive you home.. I bet.. you didn't use your car."

"rei.. really.. it's okay.."

"I insist."

"okay." Even though I don't want to... I still do it.. I don't want to be rude to anyone because of the things I'm feeling right now.

* * *

**(Rei)**

Youko-sama was silent the whole ride to her apartment. I wonder what happen... as much as I want to talk to her, I guess I'm not the right person she should talk with. I better call onee-sama later so that she could talk to her.. but as of now.. the only thing I could do is just stay beside her... she needs some strength from someone right now.. I know I'm not that strong but she's too vulnerable that I can't help but care for her.

We arrive in her house an hour before lunch so I volunteered that I would just cook for her and also to have an excuse to call onee-sama. But Youko-sama said that she won't be eating... and she just one to have time alone—she muttered a thank you before making her way to her room. I just settle for calling my onee-sama... Onee-sama said that she will be here in an hour or two because she needs to wait for little Chaia to wake up.

I wonder what Youko-sama is doing right now.. probably sleeping or thinking again. she's been thinking about things ever since... I wonder if it's Sei-sama... I always see her looking at Sei-sama with worried eyes and everything. she looked so hurt when I saw her earlier, seems like she's not the Youko-sama I knew that was filled with overflowing confidence, she looks more of a delicate piece of porcelain doll that any minute she might break into thousand pieces. I wonder if she already knew what had happen last night... but the way I see things last night I didn't think that onee-sama said it to her because last night she and Sei-sama were so sweet to each other, Sei even steal a kiss or two if Youko is not looking.

After an hour, I heard a knock on the door I guess it's my onee-sama. I opened the door and well, my guess was right, she's with our new addition to the group, little Chaia.

"rei what happen?"

"I-I dunno. I was having some free time with myself when Youko-sama accidentally bumped into me and... she looked so down when I saw her and... I guess she came from Sei-sama's apartment."

"oh! Where is she?"

"in her room.."

"mind to look after Chaia for a while? I just need to see her." I just nod and she handled me the 4-year old kiddo.

"where is mom going aunt rei?"

"in Aunt Youko's room..."

"ohh... I want cho see aunt Youko too.." she said with some excitement of her face.

"maybe later kiddo.. we have to wait for your mom to go out first, okay?"

"but..."

"no buts.."

"hmp!" she then pouts and it's cute.

* * *

**(Eriko)**

I knocked on Youko's door but no one answered, so I just let myself in. I found her lying on her stomach and face turn to the side facing me her eyes were close so I thought she was sleeping, but then she opened her eyes and stare at me for a while then closed it again and faced the other direction. But one thing didn't escape from my sight, her eyes shows myriad of emotions but more so her face shows some sort of depression.

"what happened?" I said whilst sitting at the side of the bed.

"nothing."

"silly.. ms. Lillian without her confidence? Then nothing happened... c'mon Youko.."

"stop calling me that pet name..." she said with a harsh voice.

"now.. now.. come here will ya!" I said while pulling her closer to me, she then rest her head on my lap.

"d-do you know how stupid am I? Eriko? Really.. I'm so stupid because I thought things were really okay now.." she said with trembling voice.

"i-is it Sei?" she nod. And before I could say something the door opened.

"aunt Youko!"

"err.. sorry, she said she wants to see her and when I said no, she just jump and run towards Youko-sama's room." I just smile at rei with that... how weird that Youko and I are in the middle of a discussion and here's little intrusion.

"Aunt Youko? are you okay? You look sad..." the kid said whilst climbing the bed.

"I'm okay honey.."

"but.. you look like you're not.. uhm.. I'll just kiss your pain away.." and Chaia kissed Youko lightly on the cheeks and wrapping her little arms around Youko's slender form.

"now. Now Chaia honey, you did what you're supposed to do you could go out now..."

"but... but... I want to stay with aunt Youko!"

"c'mon kid, Aunt Rei will teach you to bake some cookies. right Rei?" I said

"R-REALLY?" she said with much excitement.

"yes, some come on now..." then little Chaia immediately run towards Rei.

"Youko-sama you don't mind us messing up your kitchen right?" Youko just shook her head. Then, the two went out with Rei closing the door.

"so, what happened really?" I asked whilst combing her hair using my hand.

"I guess I was expecting too much from her."

"what do you mean?"

"I- we were supposed to meet on her apartment, she said to me last night that she will be telling me something and... when I went there... I saw her kissing Shiori." Suddenly I saw tears falling from my fragile friend's cheeks... "I know I shouldn't act like this but..."

"wait! her kissing Shiori or the other way around?"

"but what's the difference!"

"you know if--"

"she was kissing her back!"

"but maybe.."

"she loves her Eriko. I know it. you know it. we know how much she love that woman how she almost die when she lose her!"

"you will give her up just like that?"

"I have nothing to fight Eriko."

"but... she loves you."

"does she?" I wanted to say 'yes' even proving it by saying Sei's decision but u think I'm not on the proper disposition to say it to her. It has to be Sei. but where is she in times like this? She should have explained it to her, or.. does she and Shiori.. no! I shouldn't think something like that. I shouldn't assume something even if I too saw Sei with Shiori.

"you know what Eriko... I'm getting tired already."

"tired of what?" I asked her. I wonder what is she talking about. This is the first time that I have heard her saying that she's tired.

"getting tired of waiting... for loving someone who just kept on breaking my heart.. I know I shouldn't be expecting something or feeling this way... but she made me feel that something that I could only make in the repress part of my brain... and I'm so stupid to fell for it. "

Then all of a sudden the door open up.

"Youko!"


	11. there's no us?

**(Sei)**

"Youko!" I shouted whilst opening the door of her room.

"Sei...." Eriko muttered. Youko didn't look at me instead she just snuggled closer to Eriko.

"Youko.. please hear me out... I need to say something to you." No answer... "Youko..." I said walking towards her bed.

"I-I think I need to go out for a while now." Eriko said whilst standing up, Youko let go of her yet she's still lying on her stomach... Eriko gave me a glare before leaving the room. She must have known what happened.

* * *

_I'm done with those preparing thing for our day together. I took a shower and well, waited for her. Whatever happens today will definitely change the way we are. My speech is already prepared; I will say to her that I only want to be with her that she's the one that I love and she's the only thing I want. She is my happiness and I will do everything to make her happy. She had been in pain for so long and I want to remedy that pain inside of her and I will never hurt her no matter what. I love her and she's the only thing I see._

_I was brought back to reality when I heard a faint knock on my door. I opened it immediately hoping to see Youko in front of me, but I was surprised when it was Shiori whom I came face to face with and not my Youko._

"_ohhh... I love you Sei!" she said before throwing herself to me. and again she kissed me fully on the lips. And before I knew I was kissing her back, but the thoughts of Youko coming into my house, Youko and I together made me pulled out from that kiss, and when I looked at my right I saw Youko. her eyes showed pain. 'baka Sei! baka! You've cause too much pain on her! You said you wouldn't hurt her... look what you've done now... you're so stupid. why did you got carried away again?' I mentally berated myself. I walked to where she was standing. It hurt to see her hurting but it pained me more to see her acting as if it was nothing._

"_I'm happy for you"_

_Her words keep on ringing in my ears and keep on ripping my heart. Why didn't she let me explain first? why did she have to look as if everything was okay even if it's killing her. She just walked away as if nothing happened. I was pinned on the floor when she left. and when I had the nerve to follow her, I guess I was too late... Rei was already taking her home. I got jealous, furious even when I saw the way Rei had been holding Youko. 'you're such a dope! Stop thinking about your selfish ideas will yah? Go get her!' a voice in my mind said. I hesitate first, what if she doesn't want to see me? what if she just throw me out? So I just called Kei for some advices. We talked for an hour she even gave a homily because of my stupidness. And Shiori, well, she was forgotten by me._

'_look what you've done Satou Sei! I thought you've decided already and here you are do not know what to do? oh Sei... I don't blame her for walking out just like that. You said to me that you were so sweet last night and here? A news telling me that she saw you kissing your ex? C'mon! If I were her... I will not just do that. I will kick your ass and leave you dying.'_

'_thanks for your comforting words Kei' I said sarcastically_

'_really Sei.. you messed this one up. You better talk to her right now and explain yourself.'_

'_but... but what if she doesn't want to talk to me?'_

'_she's Youko remember? She, the patient and calm friend of yours, compassionate even. So I guess you wouldn't have a problem with that.'_

'_I guess so...'_

'_now, now Satou Sei.. you should go to her right now. Stop talking to me as if I need your explanation.'_

_And with that I immediately went to Youko. I almost beat Hermes for the speed I had._

_

* * *

_

And here I am now. Sitting on her bed, with Youko lying on her side facing the other direction. I tried to brush her hair just as what Eriko was doing earlier. But she just shrug me of so I just sit in a fetal position.

"Youko?" no answer... so I called again.

"hmn?"

"I want to explain something to you."

"what?"

"the thing you saw earlier doesn't meant anything."

"okay." She said nonchalantly.

"Youko.. please listen to me."

"I am.." she said in a low voice. I hate it when she acts like this, but I hate myself more because I'm the sole reason why she's like this.

"then why don't you look at me?"

"nothing."

"Youko? please.." I said, whilst leaning closer to her, and she just ignored me, I looked like a rebuff suitor in this case now, I can't be agitated by this simply because I am the culprit of this mess. "I heard you're getting tired."

"yeah, almost there." She said in a nonchalant way… at last a reaction from her, though it hurts to hear her say something like that though.

"why?" I asked, part of me is don't want to hear it and the other part wants.

"you heard it did you? So why ask?" she said in an almost ill-mannered tone.

"but.. I love you.." I answered with a voice only audible in her ear and that makes her sit and face me.

"hah! Yes you do.. how many times did I heard that? Twice? Thrice? Well, thank you for that... it made me believe that you really _did _love me."

"did? I do love you and I still do!" I said almost screaming.

"yeah right... you love me damn much that your lips is slammed on someone's lips and your arms are were groped to someone's waist. Then yes! you DO love me." she said sarcastically.

"but I do! the kiss doesn't mean anything to me!"

"since when? Since when a kiss doesn't mean anything to you?" she asked... "Ah right! I remember! You always have a kiss for everyone." She added. Venom spilled in front of my face. It hurts.

"Youko! The kiss I'm talking about is the kiss that you saw earlier!" I said raising my voice a little. "why are we even arguing with this thing?"

"I guess you're right. We shouldn't talk about these things... why don't you leave the room and go back to your Shiori!"

"Youko.. I'm here to say that I've decided to be with you. Youko you are the one that I love now.. Youko.. please.."

"Sei please? Leave me alone! And stop telling me things that only breaks my heart.. because really.. every word that comes out from your mouth is tearing me apart. Stop making me believe into something that could only happen in my dreams. Sei if you hate me that much then tell me... you don't have to be cruel by telling me the things that I want to hear for so long. And I hate myself for being such a jerk, a dope and a moron for falling into your trap." She said with a broken voice. And returned to her previous position.

"but what I've said were true!"

"Sei.. please.. just leave me alone. Go back to your Shiori, she loves you."

"but.. what about us?"

"there's no _**us**_ Sei." she said.

"don't say that."

"Sei, just go." She said forcefully and painfully.

I just stand up and do what she had said reluctantly. _'there is no us.' _it hurts! it damn hurts so much. That all I want to do is to jump from a cliff and die.

Then, out of nowhere little Chaia appeared and enter Youko's room. I helped her climbed the bed and she immediately went to Youko.

"auntie! You're crying? Why?"

"it's nothing honey.." Youko answered weakly then the kid looked at me.

"aunt Sei did you make aunt Youko cry?" she asked me... I was taken aback literally I couldn't even speak. Then Youko answered.

"no baby.. no one made aunt Youko cry.."

"oh.. I thought.. anyway I have something for you."

"what?" she said whilst sitting. I just watch them silently.

" a cookie, aunt Rei and I made this. Aaaahhh.." the kid said feeding Youko. Youko just smile and opened her mouth to take a bite, then after that she complemented that the cookie was delicious and the child just hug her.

I wonder who's the child here, I almost laugh at the scene, but something else had struck me. it is the day when we—I—decided to run away with Shiori, well, she never came. She promised me to runaway with me yet she run away from me. well, anyway the scene I am referring to is the scene wherein she came to fetch me with my onee-sama and she made me taste the cookies that Rei had made. She was too worried for me back then. I envy this child she can make Youko smile while all I do is just hurt her over and over; she even take the sorrows away from Youko yet I always do the opposite. I'm such a mess... As much as I want to stay with them all I did was just turn and walk away.

I saw Eriko sitting on the couch while Rei cleans the mess made by little chaia. I then approach Eriko.

"what happened?" Eriko asked

"well, you see.. nothing..."

"what did she say? Did she hear you out?"

"obviously no." I said with a hint of annoyance in my voice.

"why?"

"she just don't want to see me anymore Eriko. She hates me now... she just kicked me out from her room."

"Sei.. she's just mad.. maybe she didn't mean the things she had said."

"I dunno.. all I know is that I caused too much pain in her. Again. and I'm so damn stupid for doing it."

"so, you said that you love her, right?"

"well, yeah.. but she didn't believe me.. she just said to me to stop saying those things because it's killing her. And it's all my fault Eriko. If I didn't give in to that kiss, things might be different by now. But I messed up; I even returned the kiss just like you saw me last night."

"so what are you going to do now?"

"I dunno.. she just said that there's no US.. well, I guess I need to let her cool down for a while… and she doesn't want to see me either. I must go."

"giving up just like that?" she asked. And I just shrug.


	12. friends

**(Youko)**

"Sei, I didn't mean what I said... Sei, please, listen to me!"

"did you really think I fall for you? Funny Youko, very funny.", She paused then laugh, a wicked laugh. "Shiori is the only one I love, can't you see it? I just used you and well, yeah I'm just having fun."

"Sei.. tell me.. it's.. it's not true... tell me that you love me, that I'm the one you love now. Sei, please!"

She laughed again, "hahahaha! You're such a dope! Haha.. look at you, now. You're so pathetic. I can't love you.. and I would never do that. You're nothing compare to my Shiori. Shiori is an angel and you? You're nothing but a doll, a mindless doll used as a plaything. You look so miserable now... ha! But anyway.. I enjoy playing a doll named Mizuno Youko... bye" then Sei walked out.

"noooooooooooo!", I then wake up. what was that all about? Ouch! My head hurts. dammit! It even doubled when I remembered that pathetic dream. '_am I really just her springboard? Her rebound? Her placeholder? A plaything? Oh dear! I'm really stupid! why do I have to love Sei?' _Here you go again Youko. why don't you cut that crap?

I looked at the mirror in my room, my eyes were still swollen because of the non-stop crying I made before I fell asleep.. oh god! Then, I glance at my watch. It's already 12 midnight, see how time flies when you're sleeping. I have to smile. I need to smile. My brain is still aching, so, I decided to go down, eat some food and take some medicines. After doing those things, I take a shower and memories of what happened after the talk with Sei filled in.

**o-o-o-o-o-o-o**

_little Chaia stayed in my room for a while, telling me some things in the kitchen when Eriko entered the room._

'_Chaia, would you mind playing outside with Aunt Rei? I need to talk to your aunt Youko for a while.' _

'_o-kay.', said the kid before jumping. 'I'll see you later auntie. And auntie... go to our house again.', I just nod. She then runs towards the door. Eriko was the one who close it._

'_**she**__ told me what happened.' Eriko started whilst sitting beside my bed. I nod, then shifted and move to her. I was again laying on my stomach with the side of my head resting on her lap and my arms wrap around her waist. She gently combed my hair and it's so relaxing._

_Silence, but I then decided to break it._

'_uhm.. you know. I felt like the young firefly in my mom's story.'_

'_what about it?', she asked._

'_well, you know.. the story was like this, the firefly was warned by her mother to not go near the light of the candle because he might get hurt, but the firefly was so mesmerized by the great light when he saw the candle. He was so attracted that he forgot what her mother had said to him. He gets nearer and nearer, but in the end he died. He died because he was burned by the light. He died because he lets his curiosity win and be mesmerized by the fire.' I said._

'_so, what's the connection of this to you?', she questioned, still combing my hair._

'_well, I was a fool mesmerized to a person named Sei. and well, where did it lead me? here miserable.'_

'_shhh.. don't say that. She loves you.'_

'_yeah, as a friend.' I said._

'_no.. I know I'm not in the position to tell this but... I think I have to. Youko, listen to me. Sei, Satou Sei herself is in love with you.'_

'_that's not funny Eriko.' I said... burying my face on her lap._

'_I'm not joking here. She said that to me. and you know it.. right? She told you the day after we got drunk...', I remember that, that's the time she made me promise that I'll never leave her.. _

'_I know.. but you see.. things are different now.'_

'_what the hell do you mean by that?'_

'_well, she's with Shiori.', I said and I notice that Eriko just gave up talking. 'Eriko?'_

'_is that what you want then?', I looked at her._

'_i-I don't know. But for now, all I want is Sei's happiness... and if she's happy with her... then that's it.'_

'_you'll not fight?'_

'_Eriko.. how can you compete if you know that you're are competing with her first love? for Pete's sake, she.. she swore to love that woman and no one else!', this time I raised my voice at the same time struggle to sit down._

'_but she love you.', she said... I wonder if how far she would argue for that belief of hers._

'_but she love her more.' And then it stopped. Eriko stopped arguing about __**that**__ thing._

'_Youko, please do think about it.. I'll go now...' she gestured to stand up._

'_Eriko!', I called then she looked at me._

'_t-thank you..' she just nod and told me that she would be leaving now and she's dragging Rei with her. I just assured her that I'll be okay, then she went home._

**o-o-o-o-o-o-o**

'now, now.. what should I do?'

I went out of the shower and prepare for sleeping. I hope my head ache will be gone by tomorrow and hopefully it may take away the pain that's killing me inside. But then, I can't sleep. I can't get the thing I did away from my mind... well, do I really have the right to react that way? What if Sei didn't do it? what if it was just a silly misinterpretation? But... but she answered the KISS! *sigh... but then again, do I have the right? I guess not. Sei and I were not even in a relationship and I guess we need to clear things up. I'll talk to her tomorrow, put that mask of that stoic woman and well, have some guessing game of our own, more so.. we really need to talk about that status of ours... friends? Lovers? Enemies? Or strangers perhaps..

**o-o-o-o-o-o-o**

I woke up the next day having some headache due to: 1. Lack of sleep, 2. Too much thinking and 3. Someone outside the house is addicted of ringing my doorbell. '_Who the hell was that?_' I stand up and went to the bathroom. After a quick shower, I immediately went to the intercom to answer the one behind my door. No one answered. Crap! But what it makes more irritating is that it rings continuously. So, I have no choice but to open the door and see who that damn person is...

'_I wonder why is it things are kinda blurry now...' _ I open the door and see a young lady smiling at me..

"k-kiera?" and her smile grew wider with the thought of me recognizing her. "w-what... are.. you doing here...—" I'm getting dizzy now, more so.. I think I'm about to faint.

"O-onee-chan!" the last thing I knew is that Kiera held me and everything went black.

* * *

**(Sei)**

I admit I didn't get enough sleep last night. I went home late from a bar and slept around 3am... things were quite weird. There is no Eriko calling me early in the morning to ask me if everything is okay. I'm still here in my bed. Unfortunately, still feeling stupid after what happened yesterday. _God dammit! Could you believe that? I hurt the person I love the most... how funny, I want to laugh as hard as I could and just die because of laughing, laughing at my own fault. Hehehe.. i'm so stupid. why can't I just die? _

My monologue was abruptly come to an end when my mobile phone rings. I looked at the caller ID and to my shock, it was Youko. '_Youko is calling me? oh I cannot die yet!' _oh god! My

"h-hello?"

"Sei-neechan! Thank god you answer!" the other line said... wait.. she's not Youko.. Sei-neechan? There's only one person calls me that way.

"k-kiera? Why did you call?"

"o-onee-chan fainted!" I feel panic creeping inside me now. 'what happen? damn it!'

"w-what? Wait! I'm on my way."

I immediately hung up and went directly to Youko's house. Upon arriving there I saw Kiera with a worried expression.

"what happened?"

"I-I don't know, she just fainted and now she have some sort of fever." She explained.

"Where is she now?"

"Upstairs. In her room.", I just nod and went straight to her room. I didn't care if she would sent me out if she wakes up, all I have in mind is to have the chance to take good care of her while she's sleeping. I think this is the least thing I could do to.

I sit beside her and just stare at her face. She looks so peaceful and calm, that I can't help myself but be entranced by her beauty. As if my hand had its own life, it started to remove the hairs that were accidentally placed in her face which resulted in combing her hair. She stirs and eventually wakes up.

"how are you feeling now?" she looked awfully shocked when she saw me. she even pushed my hands away from her.

"w-what are you doing here?" she asked.

"ac—" I was cut off by Kiera who is now leaning on the wall.

"actually, I asked her to come here... you fainted sis and I have no one to call. Eri-neechan is busy with Chaia, Sachiko-neechan is in a business trip, and so on... so I have nothing to do but to call Sei-neechan." She explained.

"oh.. okay." She just answered.

"uhm.. just rest there.. till you're temperature goes down.", I said whilst standing and went outside. I just sit on her couch and look outside.

"if I know that the both of you have problem... I shouldn't have called you. I'm sorry Sei-neechan.. but what had happened?"

"it's okay... it's also my fault why she's cold towards me. I hurt her.." , I said shaking my head. Then, continue to tell her what had happened.. Kiera knows almost everything about her sister; they might have seven years age gap, still they have this strong bond. She may be straight, but still she understands her sister's feelings.

"but really.. Sei-neechan.. why did you do _that_?", I then looked at her. She's standing in front of me, looking as if she'll be interrogating someone—me!

"uh... I really do not know. I—"

"do you still love the woman?" there's bitterness in her words when she address Shiori. I can't blame her though. Shiori is the reason why Youko got hurt so...

"Sei?" someone called. Not her voice but Youko's. I then look at the stairs and saw her standing, holding the banister of the stairs for support. 'HOLY SH*T! What is she thinking?'

"Youko! what the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in bed." I said jumping out of the sofa and run towards her and support her.

"w-we need to talk..", she said in a form of a whisper.

"oh god Youko! you could have called –WHAT? TALK?", she just nod... "okay.. we'll talk but we'll go up first." , there I lead her to her room and we talked.

"you still have a bit of a fever. So you need to rest for a while." I said after checking her temperature with a thermometer.

"okay... uh.. Sei?"

"hmn?"

"I want to say sorry.." isn't it I'm supposed to say sorry?

"for what? You didn't do anything. I mean I—"

"s-sorry for acting the way I act yesterday. I-I know I have no right to act that way... we... we are not together so.."

"Youko..."

"and we're friends right?" she asked me. I don't know if she's on hysterics because of her fever but..

"yes. Of course we are."

"I-I don't want to lose our friendship that's why. Sei, I'm really sorry for that. And please don't mind what I had said... uhm.. I didn't mean it..."

"Youko, you don't have to explain anything. Youko, you know that I lo—"

"Sei, please don't tell me that again." I could feel the angst-ridden atmosphere in her words... but..

"why?" I asked, completely clueless why does she doesn't want me to tell those three honest words.

"b-because..." ,she took a deep breath. "because I want us to settle as friends. I mean it would hurt me more if you tell me those things over and over." No! I love you and it's true. Why don't you listen to me?

"but Youko.."

"Sei.. please understand... I don't want to lose our friendship just for some petty things." Yes! This is something petty Youko... why can't you understand that there is so much more for us? I wanted to scream at her... say those things... but I guess she already decide for us.

"okay then... one thing, I'll always be here no matter what happen. I'll never leave you, and sorry... I'm really for hurting you. And I—" I hesitate; I know she doesn't want to hear it either. "Rest now.. I'll go downstairs to prepare some food." She just nod and closed her eyes, then, I went down. At least now, we're okay... but still pains me not to see her smile but it hurts me more that I could not tell her how much I love her. But.. as the cliché goes, '_action speaks louder than words'_

"what happened?" kiera asked me.

"well, we're back being friends..."

"just like that?" she asked with some curiosity in her eyes.

"it's better than completely lose her."

"so? you're okay with that?"

"I guess so..." I paused. "well, for now."

* * *

AN: wow! I missed writing this! 1. I was completely entranced with K-ON... 2. Got busy with different things... but now I finished this chapter [yippee].. and honestly.. I don't have any idea what's next.. but one thing is clear.. as long as I'm enjoying this one I would still write.. :)) oh dear! Summer [here in the Philippines] will end soon.. crap! Hardly enjoy it.. and it meant one thing... I'll be entering the hole of the needle just to find time in writing... because classes will soon start on June! T_T wish me luck guys... hope I could find a needle! :)) a hole I mean!

On the fic itself.. well, the ***fable** told by Youko 'bout the little firefly was _**not **_made by me.. it was by someone else.. :)) uhm.. *** friends thing**? You know.. Youko doesn't want to believe that Sei really loves her (CRAP!) at the same time she doesn't want to lose Sei... so she made that decision... let say got triggered by the dream... and well, Sei too doesn't want to lose Youko in her life... so there... hmmn.. ***Kiera**.. Mizuno Kiera.. well... I've always think of Youko as a good sister... which is not just a thought but a fact! Hehehe.. so what am I saying is that.. in order for one to be a good or much better sister you need to have a blood-related sis or bro to take good care first.. [just a thought] that's why kiera's character evolved. And well aside from Eriko.. it is stated that Youko always share her life to her one and only sister. ***baby Chaia**, well... this kid is the apple of the eyes of Youko. She's close with the kid because when she returned to Japan she would spare her time at Eriko's, doing some babysitting.

That's it for now.. hope you enjoy it.. :)


	13. past

**(Youko)**

"waiting for her?" out of the blue my sister asked.

"who's her?" I said acting innocently as possible—totally not me, but fond of doing it with my sissy.

"you know who!"

"I don't."

"yes you don't just as I'm not your sister. C'mon sis, I know you've been aching to see Sei-neechan..." I almost spurt the water I am drinking. By the way, we are having lunch when all of a sudden she brought up this topic. "hey! Watch out!"

"it didn't happen, so chill. And for your information missy, I'm not aching to see that blonde woman. You see, she's been visiting here for what 3 consecutive days? C'mon sis."

"I knew you would deny it. Sis?"

"hmmn?"

"uh.. I was just wondering... why can't you believe her? I mean... is she not sincere enough for you to turn down her efforts?" she asked all of a sudden. I don't want to talk about this but she keeps on nagging me but instead of answering I just kept quiet. "sis? I know you don't want to talk about this but please enlighten me 'bout this things."

"not now."

"okay."

"by the way, you didn't tell me why are you here?"

"why? don't want me here?" she asked.

"well yeah." She pouted. I laughed. "don't you know the word joke? And is it wrong for me to ask?" she shake her head. "so what now?"

"well, mom asked me to go here."

"oh, she.. why?"

"you're still mad at her don't you?"

"a bit. It's just that I don't understand why she can't understand my decisions. First, the moving thing, then my studies abroad, and well who won't forget the arguments about my sexual preference? C'mon sis, who won't blame me for hating men? Our father ditched us for a filthy woman. Good thing for you, you were not born yet when he left... I think mom was 4 months pregnant with you back then." Darn it! I hate talking about family matters but it's Kiera I'm talking to.

"I see. But I think mom is just being protective. You see—"

"yes she is my dear sister. So protective that I can't even breathe." I said cutting her.

"but sis, mom said that she doesn't care about your preferences now."

"hard for me to believe. You knew what she did when she knew about Yesha... she did everything to get me away from her."

"who's Yesha?" a voice cut our conversation.

"hello Sei-neechan!" my sister greeted, then looked at me with a mischievous eyes. I just roll my eyes.

"Sei! you're just in time. We were just eating lunch."

"hey! Why is it none of you answered my question?" she whined.

"later. I'll tell you later okay. You join us first." I said. she then eventually join us. we ate in silence and after that Kiera volunteered to do the washing of dishes.

"so? how are you now?" Sei asked.

"fine, I guess. And thank you for taking good care of me though." She then grin, I think she's up to something.

"Payback time."

"what?"

"payback, you know it is a benefit in exchange—"

"I know what it means Sei."

"but you are asking..." she tried to reason out but I throw her a glance that could make Sachiko do what I wanted.. "oh well, what am I saying is that.. oh never mind. Anyway, who's that Yesha your talking about earlier?" oh sneaky little cat! I knew it!

"uh.. Her? someone from the past."

"you mean to say, Su was not your first girlfriend?"

"hey! I didn't say that. Well Yesha is someone I'm fond of back then. she well, uh, how will I put it... she—"

"court you?" she asked.

"well, you could say so."

"so what happen? what did aunt do?"

"she made me avoid her. Yesha and I were close back then... I kinda developed feelings for her and well, she for me by then end of middle school 'til our first year at Lillian, then my mom discover that we have this kind of mutual understanding thing through a letter that she found... blah, blah, blah. So every time Yesha would go to our house she will do some excuses until Yesha stopped visiting and the next thing I knew she's with already with someone. It's good enough that I didn't fall so deeply."

"oh, must be hard for that Yesha."

"you bet, everyday she would be texting me telling me how she missed me and everything." I said looking at her, she looked so shocked that I'm opening up to her. "uh, Sei? can we stop this now? It's getting silly and after all it's a thing from the past. We shouldn't talk about it right?"

"yeah."

"and why are you here?"

"uh, Rei called. She said that she will be having a victory party in a bar. She won in a competition again so..."

"oh? Really.. that's good to know."

"so are you going?" I nod. "but Youko.. they.. uhm..—"

"what?"

"theyaskedmetobringshiori."

"what? You talked too fast Sei.."

"they asked me to bring Shiori."

"oh, really? Well.. that's good.."

"but Youko if you don't want me to bring her I won't." I laugh.

"c'mon Sei, you don't need to do that. And what had happen days ago been nothing. Okay? It's just the silly part of me so.. it's nothing really. Anyway, are you together again?"

"come on Youko! of course not!"

"okay! Okay! You don't have to shout... hey fill me. what time and what bar?"

"same time as before. Uhm.. Sherwood. I... well suggested it. and you could bring Kiera with you."

"talking 'bout me?" my sister asked walking towards the sofa.

"well, Sei here said that Rei have a celebration later and she's asking if you would come."

"oh... as much as I want to I have to meet some friends later from Sakura High. Get together thing... you know."

"oh, I see.. better take care okay. Be home early." I said.

"okay... I will, I will.."

"good."

"uh.. so I'll just fetch you here?" Sei asked. I was about to say yes but I remembered that she'll be with Shiori.

"oh, you don't have to do that Sei. I know that place so I'll just use my car."

"oh.. okay." She said maybe realizing that it's not appropriate for me to ride knowing that she's with her Shiori.

"so I'll just see you then." I nod then she went home.

**(Sei)**

Well, I'm here now at Sherwood with my friends. Youko is miles away from me... hehe. Kidding! She's ugh.. four people away from me and she's not even looking at me.

"Sei can we dance?" Shiori said breaking my reverie. I looked at Youko, but she's not looking at me. Damn it. All of a sudden, a man stood at Youko's back.

"hey miss, can we dance?" she asked Youko. I could see annoyance creeping on Youko's face and also looked troubled. None of the yamayuri knows about her being a man-hater. As much as I wanted to help her Shiori is already clinging on me. I was too focusing on Youko when I heard someone talk.

"sorry buddy but this beautiful miss here promised me this dance a moment ago." Then she wink at Youko. "shall we?" Youko looked so confused but still she accepted the offer of the unknown woman. And the next thing I knew, Youko's already enjoying the time with her dance partner. Youko even hug the woman and kissed her on the cheek.

"Sei, can we dance now?" Shiori asked again. Maybe out of frustration and jealousy I answered yes.

"Sei, you look different? Why?" Shiori asked me.

"none of your business." I said coldly.

"is it because of her? _Still_ because of her?"

"if you won't say anything good, better shut your mouth Shiori."

"why? I'm just asking. And look at her she seems so happy with her _savior_" the hell! Savior? I should have done that if that bitch didn't got into my way.

"let's go back now."

"why? we hardly dance yet."

"dance if you want to. I'll go back now."

"Sei? ugh! damn it." she didn't do anything but follow me. funny how our set up turned upside down. In the past I am the one kept on following her but now I'm completely over her. Too bad Youko doesn't want to believe me. damn that kiss! That thing shouldn't happen.

I returned to my sit and just stare at Youko who obviously enjoying her time with the stranger. Damn it! Maybe feeling tired and feet aching, they eventually stop. Youko came with hand in hand with the woman, a grin plastered on her beautiful face.

"seems like someone's happy." Eriko commented while looking at me.

"you bet eri-chan!" Youko answered while settling herself to her seat and well the others move to give space to the stranger. Eri-chan? Where did that one come from? "hey everyone, attention please." And everyone give their attention to Youko.

"I would like you to meet Yesha. My long lost friend."

* * *

Review Reply:

**Honulicious**** :** well hello there! Uhm.. first thank you for the comments.. :) second.. no, I don't have summer classes it's just that our school year here in our country will start by June unlike the others who start theirs by September.. [I guess..]

**sHuUrEi904****:** a senior? Wow.. that's good.. keep it up buddy.. believe me.. you'll miss being HS.. but college life is… well.. good.. in my case though.. salamat sa comments.. :) I too will be waiting for your update..

**nightshade88:** hey there! Thank you for waiting.. and thank you for your comments..

**Sei-2405: **of course.. that's why i can't help myself for loving these two.. :)

[ I do appreciate you guys.. :))]

* * *

AN: not that good.. but.. here.. ^winks^

Uhm.. it's kinda short but.. hey.. I'm working on my next chappy.. wooh.. thank you for reading..


	14. better off that way i think

**(Youko)**

You heard it right. My long lost friend is back. Oh my! I really miss her.

'_hey, thank you' I said thanking the stranger._

'_welcome. Anything for you, Youko-chan.' What? She knows me? 'you looked puzzled. Why? Can't remember me? hmmn… can't blame you though it's been years. Why don't you try picturing me with much longer hair than this [she points her hair], and goggles on my eyes?' I did what she told me. it's kinda hard though this woman in front of me have a short hair and she doesn't seem to use eyeglasses but then I still did it, then a realization struck me._

'_oh my!' her grin widens. 'Y-yesha? Is it really you?'_

'_the one and only.' She beamed with delight._

'_oh my god! I miss you!' I then hug and kissed her on the cheeks._

We go back to where she abducted me, and then I introduced her to my beloved friends. Thanks Kami-sama for giving her a warm welcome though it seems like Sei is not pleased with meeting her. But, it's none of my business though.

"where did you hide by the way? It's been a long time."

"just somewhere. Hey, you've change a lot little bug!"

"hey don't call me that pet name." she laugh.

"little bug?" yoshino asked after hearing that pet name.

"you explain that!" I said to Yesha.

"well, you see… that was our nickname for each other. She's little bug and I'm the queen bee. Let's see.. the exact opposite when we were younger. She's the queen bee of our batch in middle school… and I'm a bug… quiet—"

"really? Youko-sama.. I didn't think of you being a queen bee."

"she's not actually."

"but you said."

"I was just saying is that, she's considered as one of the popular kid in town. She have every qualities of being a queen bee.. minus the brain part… because you see, she's really brainy. So we just switch the nicky thing.. that's why she's bug and i'm bee.. gotcha?" And the others nod in agreement. It's quite embarrassing really, and then I looked at Sei. She still seemed so pissed off with Yesha.

"stop that already people!" I said. "by the way, where do you live now?" I asked, then she told me and I was shock to know that she's just 2 blocks away from where I live.

"so, does that mean I could camp in?" she asked.

"of course you can." I said, and then she leaned and whispered something.

"seems like someone doesn't want me here."

"huh?"

"yeah, the blonde one beside the girl with half pony... what's her name? Sei?" she whispered again.

"don't mind her."

"oh.. I smell something..."

"baka! Hey! How'd you know that it was me?"

"your clothes might change... but you're hair doesn't.. look." She said whilst showing me a picture of us together when we were younger. I was quite shock in the pic while she grins and showing peace sign and well, we seems like we're wearing same jacket, the one with hood.

"oh wait! This was taken years ago!"

"uh huh."

"damn! I looked so silly.."

"nah.. you're cute here."

"cute huh."

"yeah.. and I know that I'm the only one who could call you that way..." then she laughs.

"enough to boast it? huh?"

"of course... the queen bee... allows me to call her that way... isn't enough reason to boast it?" she whispered again. and I felt something hot creeping on my cheeks. I need to excuse myself.

"have to go to the rest room. Excuse me." I said.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

I opened the door of the cubicle I'm situated in and to my surprise; Shiori is standing in front of me. blocking my way.

"what do you want?" I asked.

"well, I just want to tell you that Sei and I are together now."

"so? Why are you telling this to me?"

"so that things would be clear now.. I don't want anyone to interfere in our relationship. Especially you."

"why? am I a threat?"

"well, not really.. but I still can't fully grasp Sei's heart because of someone."

"I wonder if you even hold that heart you're talking even for a bit... fully grasped huh."

"well, Sei-chan is mine.. and I don't want you to block my way towards her. I love her damn much."

"then love her... I wonder why do you kept on saying petty things on me. If you love her.. then love her.. no one is blocking nor interfering your way Shiori.. so please.. stop acting as if I would do things for Sei and you to be not together. Because really... after the thing I saw that the both of you were doing... things change... and... well, thanks to you.. I don't have to be stupid anymore." obviously, I'm still a little bit bitter.

"then it's clear then?"

"of course.. if you want to make love in front of me.. I won't care.. you could even grab her here and have it your way..."

"fine! But remember.. I won't give her up."

"funny.. why would you? I mean.. Sei is on your territory right now... so why give her up.. after all.. she's not even mine.. well.. try to talk to the bartender she's been flirting with.. and maybe.. just maybe.. you'll see her a threat more than I do.. and I wonder why did you even bother to talk to me.."

"bitch!"

"c'mon.. did I really heard you say that? The angelic Kubo Shiori? Wow.." I said sarcastically

Before she could retort the door in the restroom opened. And it reveals a Sei.

"uh..."

"Sei.. mind do me a favour? Please?" I asked.

"y-yeah.. sure.." she stammered.

"would you please ask your girlfriend to please stop bothering me... because.. she's just ruining my mood.. well, that's it.. thank you.." then I walked out. Little did I know.. Sei followed me.

"Youko!" I stop dead on my tracks.

"yes?" I said without bothering to turn.

"uh.. want to ask something.."

"what?" she didn't ask me the question first, instead she walk in front of me. and now we are standing face to face, couple of feet away from each other.

"do... do you really hate me that much that you don't even want to look at me?"

"Sei.. I think.. that's not what you want to ask me.. isn't it?"

"uh.. yeah.. uhm... nothing..."

"okay... just don't waste my time again... bye Sei." I said before walking passed her. But I felt a grip on my wrist and before I could assess what's happening... I was already pinned on the wall with Sei in front of me.

"what do you want?" I asked her coldly.

"do you still love me?"

"why would I answer that?"

"answer me!"

"Sei.. why would I? if I said I still love you what will you do? win me back as you always say..? c'mon.."

"you're mine... you're just mine! No one could have you even that Yesha.. just ME!"

"no one owns me.. not you.. not even someone from the past. Did you hear me? No one owned me Satou Sei.. always remember that.. and to answer your question.." I paused "I-I don't love you..." I said averting my eyes to her prying eyes.

"then tell me.. look at my damn face... look straight into my eyes that you don't... then maybe.. just maybe I would believe you." She said. I wanted to tell her that she should stop doing this to me. I wanted to look at her and tell her the thing that she wants, but I can't... I love her damn much but I also hate her... hate her for letting me feel the things that would only happen in dreams. For letting me experience something that I couldn't grasp for long.

"I... just let me go... and go back to your Shiori..." I said.. pushing her away...

"we're not done yet!" and before I knew it... I was pinned again on the wall... she slams her lips on mine. The kiss was not sweet, friendly nor gentle... it is a rough kiss filled with raw passion and taste of blood. I became rigid from where I was rooted. She growled low in her throat and pushed her tongue past my lips whilst wrapping her one arm on my waist... until the kissed change into passionate one, it was a gentle kiss, it's like the one kissing me is afraid to hurt me... and before I knew it, I was already kissing her back with the same intensity that she has. I could feel her hands going inside my shirt and this made me back to reality.. I pushed her slightly..

"Youko..."

"Sei.. do me another favor.. never do that ever again.." I said.. and I walked out.

"Youko..." she said and I stopped again, I don't know why I always stop whenever she's calling my name... what the...

The feeling of her lips on mine was good. It made me feel that the time stopped and we were the only one moving.

'_Sei and I are together now!'_ crap! Screw that Shiori. As much as I don't want to... I need to tell her. I want to move one. I want break free from this grasp. I want to bury all the hurt and live a new life but there is Sei, why does she have to do this? Why does she have to kiss me and make me feel that I can't get any stupider than before?

"Youko.. please... I want to—"

"S-Sei please stop! Didn't we have an agreement? Sei we're friends so please. Please don't screw it. can't you see... this is the most appropriate thing we could have. Sei.." she then held a firm grip on my pulse. "Sei let go." But still she didn't.

"why can't you believe me?" she's not looking at me, instead she dropped her eyes on the floor and hands were clenched.

"Sei.." I said, still trying to let go from her grasp.

"Youko... I love you... I do! why can't you just believe that?"

"because I just can't. Sei, please.. just let go.. I want to go home." She then lets me go. '_Sei, you don't know how hard for me. I wanted to believe you but every time I try the picture of you and Shiori kissing always screw my efforts of doing so. And maybe, just maybe.. we're better off this way.'_

"youko..." another voice said..

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AN: well hello people..

uhm.. i'll try to show you my drawing of Yesha, Su and Kiera some other time.. .. but i haven't posted it yet.. [well, if you just want anyway..]

well.. here.. i was feeling quite nostalgic while writing this one.. so.. if feels like.. it's too heavy.. i don't know for you guys..


	15. why i don't want you back

**(YOUKO)**

"Youko.. what happened?" yesha asked. but I didn't answer. "okay, I saw the fight, the kiss..."

"don't remind me of that!"

"okay, okay... so what now?"

"yesha please... all I want now is to go home and..—"

"and cry?" I eyed her ridiculously. "look, as I can see right now you have teary eyes and—"

"shut up! will yah?"

"okay. Okay.. c'mon.. I'll drive you home." I just nod. As a matter of fact that's the only thing I could do to stop me from screaming. We went to our friends' location to say goodbye. At first they asked why but Yesha covered for me telling me that I'm not feeling well and she'll just drive me home.

In the car... we drove in silence.. but I guess Yesha won't stop just that.

"so, now you could scream at me for being annoying... but look.. it's not you. Tell me, what's up?" she tells me.

"I can't." I said without looking at her.

"you can't or you don't want to?" damn her for knowing me so much.

"look, I don't want to talk about it right now."

"you know you'll explode if you don't say it."

"I don't know how to start."

"then for starters.. let's see... are you and the blonde woman together?"

"no."

"so, why did she kissed you?"

"dunno... jealous of you I guess."

"whoah! Of me? oh why? nevermind. Never mind. I think I know now." She paused. "okay, do you love her?"

"I guess."

"c'mon.. you're too aware of yourself to answer me that crap!"

"are you mad now?"

"damn it Youko! don't change the subject! Answer me."

"I do! I love her damn much! Now happy?" she just nod.

"uh.. by the way.. I'll camp-in tonight."

"why?"

"we'll drink."

"what?"

"yeah... the drinks wasn't enough, so I think we might drink. For me being back, and two... let's try to drink your problem."

"I don't have a problem."

"shut up. you know you're not a good liar." Okay. I then shut up.

I just talk when she asked for directions but most of the time I would just look outside, looking at the busy street, at the lights of the night but one thing is clear my mind is in turmoil so as my heart.

"Youko, Youko."

"oh sorry." I look at her and saw a concerned face.

"we near. So where to? she asked.

"you stop there." I point a green gate. There she stopped. Kiera texted me earlier that she'll not go home because she'll be staying with her bestfriend. What could I do? she's already there.

We enter our house and I saw a smile in Yesha's face.

"why?"

"nothing, just that the house typifies you."

"oh. Okay" I just shrug the thought that Sei was the first one who told me that.

"uh.. do you have any drinks here?"

"yeah, look at the fridge."

She then did it. she get four bottles of beer in the fridge. Well aside from wine I have that one too.

"okay. Now let's talk."

"talk bout what?"

"your prob! Duh! Earth to Youko!" she said waving her hands on my face.

"oh.. do I have one?"

"yeah here!" she said pointing the left part of my chest where the heart is located.

"oh, all right."

"so, I'll start. You love Sei... you even said you damn love her. And I guess she loves you too.. you know she won't be jealous if she don't love you..."

"believe me. she don't."

"are you sure?"

"of course" I said whilst getting another bottle.

"how? Tell me.. why would I believe you?"

"haha.. if she love me. she won't kiss that bitch Shiori."

"she did?"

"yes! And worst, she'll tell me that she love me. funny. I saw her kissing another woman and would tell me that she love me. you don't know how it almost killed me. she just make a fool out of me! she even told Eriko that she loves me. c'mon!"

"but what if she's telling the truth? Hey! Don't drink too much!"

"I'm not yet drunk you know! And she's not telling the truth."

"Youko? Why don't you believe her?"

"because I can't! She'll only do what my father did!"

"now, now... I understand. So you were saying that you don't want to believe her because of what your father did. I remember the time you told me that. You were crying telling me that you saw your father kissing another woman..."

"yeah.. that's it. and he said that that won't happen again and I believe him. But you see, one day he just pack his clothes and ran away together with a filthy woman leaving me and mother who was pregnant at that time."

"but don't you think Sei might be different with your father."

"tss, you don't know anything. That woman Shiori is Sei's first love. you know what first love do."

"I know." She said with a sad look on her face.

"is something matter? Did I say something wrong?" I asked

"no. It's just that, even if that Shiori is Sei's first love. it doesn't mean that she couldn't love anyone else but her. Look Youko. your father is different from Sei. Sei is dead serious on you Youko. I know it. I could see it. and if you don't want to give her a chance. Things might change. Look, we don't hold our time. It may pass and who knows, Sei might just stop loving you. Give her a chance to explain everything. And who knows Youko, she's the one you're waiting for."

"I don't know yesh. Maybe I have to think about it first. I know she's different from him. But everytime she would say that she love me, the picture of her and Shiori kissing would always come into mind."

"well, that's pretty normal you know. But what I could see right now is that you're afraid to hear that she's right and you're wrong. You know what, you're too self-conscious and you let that pride of yours to just run smoothly all over you. Why don't you try to swallow it and talk to her? And god! Stop living in the past Youko! "

"I will in due time."

"I hope that you'll do it soon. It's hard, really hard when you realize that it's too late."

"thanks for being here. What would I do without you?"

"hmmn.. you'll kill yourself for being stupid?"

"maybe."

"anyway... I just remember something."

"what?"

"do you remember the kid we saw at the park? The lonely kid."

"uh... yeah.. why?"

"she looks like that Sei of yours."

"huh? I don't think so.."

"oh. Okay..."

"hey! Tell me some things happened to you when we were away."

I then start to tell things happened when we were apart, including the reasons why I fell for Sei, the reason why I choose Sachiko as my petite souer, my life after Lillian, my college life, my escapade in Europe… everything. I then asked her about her life after our communication was cut.

"me? simple… I was already living on my own even before college life started." She said whilst standing up to get another couple of beers.

"really? My, my.. what happened? What triggers you to live alone?" I asked.

"well… you know.. things had happened.. I never want to live in a rich family with no sympathy… they just work. Work because they need money.. all because of money. And I hate it."

"sounds like Sachiko for me."

"huh.. you think so?" I nod. "well, aside from that.. I had lots of girls around me." she said handling me a beer.

"quite a player, huh."

"you could say so. But.."

"but…?"

"I don't have one right now."

"oh, why?"

"because the woman I like is nowhere to be found."

"huh? What do you mean?"

"I lost her since that day I stopped talking to her.."

"is this the girl that I saw when you start ignoring me?"

"no.."

"then who?" I asked. I have a hint already but I want her to tell me who… I might or might not confirm what I have in mind.

"just someone special."

"until now she's special?"

"of course.. I still love her.. but I don't know with her. Maybe she already found someone.." she said in a sad voice whilst averting her eyes to mine..

"oh.. too bad" _damn! My eyes are starting to get sleepy.. my, my…_

"anyway.. I guess we shouldn't talk about it.. so, what is your plan about Sei? Uhm.. Youko.. goodness.. she fell asleep."

**(Yesha)**

"Youko..?"

Dear.. Youko fell asleep.. maybe she's just too tired and she drink more that I did..

I then carried her to her room and tuck her to her bed. I then decided to just sleep in the couch near the bed but before doing so, I gently place a kiss on her forehead.

'_I love you, you know.'_

_

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_

AN: I'm really really really SORRY.. for the long wait.. :|

I feel so terrible now.. but hey.. I'm sorry for my grammatical errors and some punctuation errors too.. argh.. I wish I have the time to make it better.. but here.. I hope that you enjoyed it..

So, I guess it's clear why Youko's reacting that way.. :)


	16. i miss you

_**Wow.. hey guys.. well first.. I never said that this would be a humorous fic.. but in fact.. it's drama until the end.. hmmn.. kidding.. I dunno.. well.. I just guess that drama is my forte so.. I'm sticking into it.. **_

_**hmmn.. let's see.. I'm on my 16th chapter and honestly.. I intended to finish it on the "till we meet again" chapter.. uhm.. the Sachiko party thing.. but look what it got me..? I started writing this when I was 2nd year college and now I'm on my 3rd.. wow.. almost a year now… sooner or later.. I'm going to end this snippet of mine.. :)**_

_**hmn.. just some realization stuff.. **_

_**anyhow.. this is my chapter.. 16?**_

_**

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**_

(**SEI)**

I got pissed with Shiori after the incident that he put up in the restroom that is why I have to go and set clear my head from any sort of thing.. and now, here I am, sitting again in the windowsill of my room. talking with the moon, imagining that I'm talking to the person I missed the most.

"hey, you know.. I wish you are here so that you could make me smile like you used to do when we were young. I wonder where you are now and I wonder if I could see you again. I may forget your name and even your face but not your laughter, not your concerned voice. I'm missin you. I wish I'm still young, that all I do was to look for you in the park and you will tell me things that would encourage me to live life the way it should be. You were my strength that time. You were there. You don't know how sad am I when after sometime you stopped walking in the park. Stopped being with me. I got mad because my only friend had left me. How pathetic. Oh yeah. You still remember Youko? The one I'm in love with. Did you know that I have so two reasons why I didn't like her? Well, one is because she's someone I'm not.. and the other one is because.. she's just like you and I don't want another you in my life. You're the only one, so I want it that way. I tried to ignore her but she's too persistent just like you. I miss you. I want to see you again but I don't know how could I reach you. I even do not know where you are. Hmn.. you know… aside from missing you, I want to see you because I want to ask you about my problem. You know what to do in times like this. I want to ask you… should I stop? Or should I fight what I think is right? Because you know.. the last time I did what I think is right.. I messed up. Torn into pieces. Died in that pit of thorns. Oh dear.. I really want to see you.. I need some strength from you."

I cried. I always cry, who won't? the one you love doesn't want you back, your strength that had been there for years was lost. Not because you're too weak to love her back nor admit the fact that you love her but because you are scared. Scared of what would happen next. Youko went off the first time because she's tired of loving someone like me. I'm not used to running I know, but what I did is something stupid. I shouldn't have kissed Shiori back. I shouldn't have let her be a part of my life again. I should have not let Youko go. If I'm not too scared.. I would have flew to Europe and find her but I didn't. I got afraid of what will happen if I got there. I'm such a big twat.

Regrets, I'm full of regrets right now. I could have told her the day when she flew but I didn't.. thinking that I would mess up if I told her right there and then. Ugh. Such a dweeb. And now, I really don't know how to fix this..

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_**hmmn.. I'm really, really, really sorry for this late chapter.. goodness.. as much as I want to write this.. I got stuck with my course works.. so.. yeah, I don't know when would I'll be updating again..**_

_**well hey! Advance Happy Christmas everyone.. :)**_

_**XX**_

_**Limbo Maria**_


	17. road to the past

**I think, you're all thinking that i'm a liar now.. since i told you that i'll be updating 2 weeks ago. and i'm sorry.. school stuff is such a bitch. so yeah.. i apologize. hope you like this one. :)**

**i don't own anything except for my laptop. :D**

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**Youko's POV**

Waking up with a massive headache is the last thing I want to do. It's like there were more than ten sets of drums banging in my head right now. I know I didn't drink that much last night but the memories from last night kept on rushing in my mind. All I want to do is move on and have a blast on my own, but I don't know why those memories kept on hunting me. _Why Sei kept on hunting me_… I want to forget, I want to move on, I want everything to just disappear and let me live my life the way I want to. All the stings attach to me always lead to her. Everything is about her. I guess you cannot stay away from someone if that someone is the life that you live.

My trance was broken by the faint knock on my door. And it revealed Yesha.. why can't I just love her?

"hi, made you some breakfast." She said "err.. you don't mind me crashing on your kitchen right?" she asked hesitantly. I just shake my head and smile.

After some moments of struggling I finally able to sit.

"what did you cook?" I asked.

"yeah, we have pancakes. That's all.. not on the mood to cook that much."

"oh, pancakes.. seems like the American people rubbed their lifestyle on you.. Which is not a bad thing. I suppose?" I said, trying to lighten up the mood.

"uh.. yeah.."

We then decided to go to the kitchen and eat. After a moment of comfortable silence. I decided to break it.

"I heard it, you know." She looks at me with a confused expression plastered on her face. "the thing you said last night." Realization drawn to her face and she was about to say something but I interrupted. "I'm sorry. I—"

"no, it's okay. I know you love her more that you could love anybody else. And I accept that. it's just like when we were still young for example.. you always wanted to play with that blonde kid that looks like Sei and now. I mean, I love you, I do but that's okay. I've long accepted that you could never be mine and that's it."

I was astound to what Yesha said. "you're perfect, you know. If I'm not so madly in love with that blonde woman.. I might fall for you." I said sadly.

"hey, don't be sad. I have an idea."

"what?"

"let's go back to that park." She said excitedly.

"what park?" I asked somewhat confused.

"the park in Fuji? The one we always go when we were little kids." She said enthusiastically.

"I don't want to."

"Youko.."

"I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I just don't." I said whilst rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand.

"haha.. you stubborn woman! C'mon.. we'll have fresh air. And take it as a breathing ground for you. No one there knows you… well, the old ones I guess.. but still it's a nice place to get you thinking and for you to escape you know." She said tentatively.

It made sense. I do wanted to escape somehow. I wanted to have a breathing ground even for a while. It's been too exhausting for the past few days, or months for that matter. Also, it's been a long time since I went home. Home—it feels different, bizarre. It's been a long time since I called something home.

My spell bounded mind was broken by Yesha.

"so.. are we going?" she asked.

"well, I think so. I need some air. You know, you being here and all.. yeah, I think I need some air." I said with a jest tone. Or so I think.

She put her hands on her chest as if to show that she is hurt. And I just laugh at it. I don't know, there is something in her that always makes me laugh… but then, something is missing. I could feel the deep hollow in my heart. It feels like, nothing was ever been complete since..

"you think too much, Youko-san. You should stop thinking for a while you know. It's not good for you." She said. "hey, I remember the kid again. The one that you're close with when we were you. Do you know where that kid now?"

"err.. I don't remember her." I said hesitantly. I know, I perfectly remember the face of the kid. Her sad grey eyes, her soft blonde hair, her timid smile. Everything but not her name. I forcefully forget her name It's just that, I stop talking about her ever since they went away. I got hurt when she left. Looking back now, I think, she's my first heart break. She went somewhere else and it feels like she forgot everything that we had promised with each other. I remember promising that we'll be looking at the letter the we wrote years ago. We put it in a hole in the middle of the tree that we called ours. And thinking about it all of a sudden, I think it's time. We said that we'll be reading that letter together after 20 years or so, and I'm 27 already so, it means that we should read the letters NOW. I hope it's still there.

I got up all of a sudden, to Yesha's surprise.

"c'mon. I thought we'll be going to Fuji park? So, why aren't you starting to get ready now?" I asked.

A trip to Fuji. That's where we are heading. For Yesha, it's rekindling some memories and escape from the world, but for me, it is revisiting the past and a chance to think about the future. A part of me wanted to just stay here and don't think about anything, but we all know I'm a over thinker, so thinking is like a daily habit for me. So for now, all I need to do is to relax and hope that the letter would still be there. And who knows someone else.


	18. It was you all along

**AN: This is sooo long overdue and I do not know if there are people reading this story. I wouldn't say that I forgot this story because I didn't. It took me soo long to write another chapter because I was distracted with Glee (Brittana) and Skins (Naomily). It was fun writing this story.**

**Ok, I have a confession to make. This chapter wasn't supposed to be the chapter that I planned before. I lost the copy of the one I was writing a year or 2 years ago (I do not know, but I lost track of time)**

**I hope you guys will enjoy this. This is the finale. It has been a Roller Coaster Ride and I Thank you all so much for sticking to it. I love you all!**

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**(Sei POV)**

This park had been the epitome of my childhood. I usually we go here and played with the kids when I wasn't supposed to go out. My mom said that I shouldn't play with them because I was different and she doesn't want me to get attached to them because she doesn't want her to see me cry when we have to go back.

I left these place years ago about twenty years I think. I made a little promise with the kid about the letter that we wrote when we were still kids. It wasn't just a letter to me. I told her about why I will not be able to say goodbye to her, I told her that I will always be her friend no matter what. It was when I decided to stop here in the park, that I realized it has been Youko-san. The kid that I was talking to every night was my Youko and we found each other again but I had to screw everything up.

I walked pass the trees and the benches, so many things had pass and still this park in Fuji is still the same. Well, except for the colored benches and the newly assembled playground. I stand beside the tree—OUR tree—and take a peek into the not-so-secret hole of the tree to see if the letters were still there. I was about to put my hands in it to get the blue and pink papers when someone called my name.

"S..Sei?" I look around, and there I saw the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. I had a flashback when I saw her the first time in Lillian. Her hair was short just and she has this stoic look on her face, she was a transferee back then but even that time she has this aura of leadership that I can't pin point. There was something familiar with her back then, but it seems like something was hindering me to really see that familiarity. Then, she became my meddler and then it reminds me of the raven-haired kid that I met in this same spot I am standing… she was wearing a cute little dress and her hair was looking at me curiously. And now, I see her face. I'm seeing her again and I just want to hug her, to tell her everything but most of all, I just want to tell her and make her feel that I love her.

"Hi." I said whilst giving her a dorky wave.

"What are you doing here?"

Now or never Satou Sei. Now or Never.

Now.

"Twenty years ago, I met this cute little meddler when I was all alone sitting here and poking the small plants. She approached me with a curious expression, she asked me if I was new here and I didn't answer. So she continue talking, telling me her name and with her insisting, I told her mine. We became good friends. One day, I asked her to write me a letter and I will write hers but we will be reading it after twenty years. So I am here, hoping that she will show up. I was taking my chances, and I was right. She came." I paused… I looked at her face until realization adorned her beautiful face.

"You." She said whilst putting her hands to her heart. Gone was the stoic look of the great Mizuno Youko and replaced by a teary eyed, Youko.

"I am."

"Youko-san, I'll leave you here now since you have a company already." Yesha whom I didn't noticed said. I stared at her for a minute and before she go she mouthed something like 'take care of her.' I just nod and she went off.

I retrieved the papers from the hole. It was funny how it is still sealed the way we left it. I gave her the Blue paper because it has her name written on it. I then opened mine.

_Dear Sei-chan,_

_I do not know why you asked me to write this. Well, I actually know since you told me to write something about what I want to tell you after twenty years. Honestly, I do not know what I want to tell you. All I know is that I want to be your friend forever. You are special to me. I don't care where you came from but I know I found a best friend in you. _

_You are my best friend forever._

_Love,_

_Youko_

It was short, but everything in it made me smile. I'm happy that even before, she felt that I was special.

"So you guys went away." She said.

"Yeah, we went back to our old house because mom was getting better." I replied. Mom was sick before so they decided to take a trip in Fuji for her to rest and since I was still small to stay alone in that house, they decided bring me, after all I will be starting school after that year.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"We were kids back then, I was certain that you will forget me. I know you did, because you were shocked to see me here."

"Did you always know that it was me?"

"No. I just learned it today. I had a flashback and I realized that it was you all along. It was whom I talking to every night asking for guidance. I was hoping back then that you were staring at the same moon that I was staring just like what we promised long ago."

"You remember."

"Of course I will. When we moved again, that's when I met Deko-chin. We had a fight when she asked me if I'm gaijin." I said. She giggled at the nickname that I gave to Eriko.

" So back then, you guys are on each other's throat?"

"You bet. And then, first year at Lillian. You were there. I was drawn to you and I don't understand why. And now, now I realized why. All along the kid I was talking to before sleep was just there beside me. I was blinded by everything that is happening with my life. I succumb into the forest of thorns and I didn't know how to leave. I was so afraid that those thorns would pricked me and I was afraid that I will be hurt again if I ever tried to go out. Until I see you… the thorns were slowly crawling towards me but then, you came along. I was able to stand up again and have the courage to move on. You reached out and grabbed my hand. I was able to feel again. I know you are mad at me. But Youko, I love you. I love you more than anything else. I didn't believe in soulmates but with what's happening right now, I can totally believe now that you are the one for me. I've been a fool and if it will take forever to prove how much I love you. I will. Just give me another chance to prove myself." I asked. I know this is too much, but I just want her to believe in me. That I can. That I changed.

"Sei, I came here today thinking that I will have enlightenment with my life, with what is happening. I came here today because I wanted to see and remember that kid that became a big part of my life even for just a year or less. It's funny how I meddled your life before, I was drawn to you too. I want to give you a second chance, but I want to redeem myself. I want to find my old self, the one that meddles with your life, the one what would stay with you all the way. And I can't do it if you constantly asking me for another chance. I need time to heal." She said.

I was thinking that things will be different this time. I thought she will forgive me. But I think she's right. Life had been hard for us. If I constantly bug her, it will only remind her the pain that I caused her. Who knows, maybe the line, "If you love her, set her free. If she comes back, you're meant to be." I believe that she's my soulmate and I know she will be back soon.

"I will be going back to Europe. I'll see you again Sei."

"I love you." I muttered.

"I will always love you too."

* * *

_After Two Years…_

"She'll be here any moment." I muttered. Today, Youko will return to Japan and I'm here in the airport waiting for her. So many things happened during the two years that we were apart. We all grew up.

Shiori stopped bugging me and decided to join a government organization that helps poor kids. She was always been that kind soul, she was just lost along the way.

The Yamayurikai is still intact. We see each other once in a while to catch up with our lives and it's good.

Little Chaia is not so little anymore. She's now studying at Lillian and I know she will be a badass member of the council since all of the people surrounding her were pretty much badass.

"Satou Sei?" a voice broke my musing. And when I turn around to look who the person is. I was met by a beautiful raven lady. Her hair got longer and her features were more mature but she's still gorgeous as she was before.

"Youko." I just said quietly.

We just look at each other. I just stared at her hazel eyes and I can see no regrets or anger. Just pure curiosity and love. We are looking at each other like we are in our own little world. I was glad that I am able to see her again. I tentatively walked forward and so did she. And all of a sudden, we're already succumb into a tight embrace. She smells honey and coconuts and a distinct smell that hers alone.

"I miss you so much!" I whispered into her ears.

"I missed you too Sei."

I pull out of the hug and it made me quite regret it because I immediately miss the contact, but I know I have to say what I have to say in the middle of this airport.

"I still love you, you know. Do..you.. still love me?"

She didn't answer, instead I felt soft lips on my own.

I know, I got my answer.

* * *

**Signing Out…**

**Xoxo,**

**Ja**


End file.
